Well, That Was Fun

I hope we all learned an important lesson about blogging.

Schaffer The Darklord

I went to The Knitting Factory last night. While all the cool goth kids who complimented me on my Voltaire T-shirt were there to see Creature Feature on another stage, I was in attendance to support MC Frontalot.

Due to Thanksgiving and Rock Band commitments, attendance was light and extra dorky. It's just as well. Anyone who didn't know what was coming would have fled when Pitch White opened with a set dedicated to Max Hardcore. It was exactly what anyone who didn't know better would expect from nerdcore: an excuse for some skinny white boy to indulge in misogyny disguised as parody.

I'm glad I stuck it out.

MC Frontalot's show was pretty much the same as the last time I saw it back at PAX, except on a smaller stage and with a new drummer. Those saving throws never seem to pan out unexpectedly. Despite some sound issues and a setlist I've mostly heard before, it was cool to see his band perform in an intimate venue. I finally got to tell Gminor7 how awesome he is on the keyboard and onstage.

The revelation of the night, though, was Schaffer The Darklord. I believe we've written about it in the past, but I don't feel like looking it up. Good nerdcore is always better live. Studio albums and MySpace tracks may not impress you until you see a show. The video below is a reasonable promise of what to expect from him, though.



Listening to his first album, he seemed to be inspired more by Tenacious D than geek stuff. I should have asked him about that. The songs on Mark of the Beast, however, are like some weird combination of Voltaire in comedy mode and a rapping Ted Raimi. And though I love Voltaire, I have to give credit where it's due. "Revenge of Attack of the Clonefucker" beats all but "Sexy Data Tango" lyrically when it comes to vulgar sci-fi songs. And though Voltaire's son may have wondered if Jesus was a zombie, Schaeffer The Darklord wrote a song about it.

Hey, what do you know? There's a perfectly audible live video clip of it on the Internet. With post-song commentary!

Whether you're a nerdcore convert, skeptic, or hater, I urge you to check out STD live for comedic value alone. Don't be surprised if you find yourself endorsing geeky, unhip, unheard of music on your blog (when you finally get around to posting) if you do.

I have done as I vowed, Darklord, and praised you on my blog that eight people read. Will you reward me by returning to L.A.? Preferably at a time when relatives aren't around and Rock Band II hasn't just come out? I beg of thee, my dark lord of rappistry. Please look kindly on my plea.

Viewed: The Mist

I'm having a contest. Anyone who has seen The Mist is welcome to offer their opinions. In a few weeks' time, I'll put all your suggestions on a d20 table and roll for the winner. The winning contributor will be sent back in time to kick Frank Darabont in the shins until he chooses a better ending.

You're welcome to enter as many times as you want. I have a few thoughts of my own.

1. The film could have ended the way the book did. Our hero and his kid escape the grocery store, drive under a creature so large all they can see are its legs, and head off in the direction of a radio signal that they may have only imagined.
2. Our hero takes the same course of action that he does in the movie. Stranded in the mist without any gas and four other passengers, he decides to do the noble thing with their remaining four bullets. He shoots his son first, then the woman he didn't have sex with, then the old lady. But as he levels the revolver at the old man in the backseat, an army guy taps on the window. "Excuse me, sir. Is there a problem here?" "Nooooooo!" "All right, then."
3. At some point earlier in the film, our hero's son scrawls, "Dear Army Guys, there are monsters," on a paper airplane and throws it into the mist. Then, when the army guys show up at the end, they could have been, like, "Where's Billy? All right, son, where are the monsters? As it turns out, this other dimension is vulnerable to our ordinary earth flamethrowers."
4. It was all a dream.
5. At the very least, they wouldn't have licensed Dead Can Dance.
   

Prepare to enter The Scary Door.

Viewed: Beowulf

Well, that certainly was a movie with Beowulf in it.

Mr. Bile has already commented on it, but I think he's viewing the film through 3-D colored glasses. I'm all for taking liberties with the source material--Grendel really impressed me in high school--and it's great that we finally got to see Angelina Jolie in her true form. Also, I think it's pretty cool that the dragon really fights like a dragon, and not like a gang of 50 disposable bad guys in an old-school Jackie Chan movie who attack him one at a time.

But, man, those boss battles were long. And the cut-scenes in-between? Can we all just agree that Neil Gaiman should never be allowed near movies? I've read Smoke and Mirrors. That man holds a serious grudge.

The plot of the original, as I understand it:

1. There's a grendel.
2. A beowulf rips off its arm.
3. A beowulf kills its mom.
4. Then there's a dragon.

Here's what, when pressed by my wife who was never forced to read Beowulf in high school, I got out of the movie:

1. Grendel's mother is a symbol not necessarily of temptation (though base heterosexual urges and the desire to produce progeny is the ultimate weakness of all men who like to be naked in front of other men), but of the mistakes fathers commit as seen through the eyes of their own sons.
2. Alternatively, the film is really about women discovering what they really want in a man. Grendel's mother and Hrothgar's wife slowly upgrade their relationships throughout the movie, as they learn that the longer a man hesitates to have sex with you, the more noble he is, and the more kick-ass your kids might be.
   
3. Something about Christianity. There's a lot of crosses on evil people and dead people on crosses and burning crosses that fall on dead people. Apparently, Robert Zemeckis is an alternate universe Tim Burton with a cross fetish.

Yes, it certainly was a movie I paid money to see. And, occasionally, stuff pretended to fly out of the screen at me. More often them not, I had to redirect my eyes so I wasn't seeing two things at once.

That's Beowulf, I guess.

Viewed: Southland Tales

Fuck yes.

You may have heard mixed reviews about Richard Kelly's first film after Donnie Darko. They can die and go to hell. I can't promise the movie makes sense. I won't tell you that some scenes aren't awesomely awkward. As for over-exposition and unnecessary voice-over? The movie nearly drowns in it. Hell, I don't even think you'll like it.

Best movie of the year.

Yes, even if The Mist lives up to all my 13-year-old expectations. Even though the previews of The Golden Compass promise both blimps and mercenary polar bears. I loved Once, but that's how many times I feel the urge to see it. Ratatouille moved me, and I think we can all agree that Hot Fuzz is pretty much a perfect movie. But Southland Tales tops everything, even edging out The Host. Unless the people responsible for The Wire magically send us a movie version of Song of Ice and Fire from the future for Christmas, the above pronouncement stands.

Southland Tales is angry. Insane. Flawed. Brilliant.

I just saw Sarah Michelle Gellar drink herself. Justin Timberlake made me sad. The "inconceivable!" guy from The Princess Bride is no longer the "inconceivable!" guy from The Princess Bride to me. He's Baron Von Westphalen. I got a lap dance from Bai Ling.

I wish I was watching it again right now.

Viewed: No Country For Old Men and Beowulf

Sometimes, ignorance is a good thing. For example, I enjoyed No Country For Old Men a lot more than Narraptor did. I haven't read the novel yet, and was blissfully unaware of any health problems among the audience. About the only thing troubling me was the fact that the concession stand was selling obviously bootlegged DVDs, right next to the drink machine.

No Country For Old Men itself is a combination of all things Cohen. The film primarily harkens back to the bleakness of the Cohen's earlier films. Despite this, there are random moments of levity that burst in, transport the story back to the happy wordplay obsessed films the Cohens have been making as of late. A generous viewer can assume that the latter bits help to camouflage the despair that would otherwise be grinding down in every scene. However, an alternate explanation is that the directors just felt like parachuting in a character or two from Oh Brother Where Art Thou, no matter what got broken in the proccess.

This isn't meant to imply that you'll just get what you expect out of the film, or that its quality cannot be objectively judged so you should just give up. But the fact remains that while I enjoyed the film, I'm now concerned that I'll like it a lot less once I read the book.

Lately, I've been a sucker for films that jarringly switch tonal gears with no rhyme or reason. As a further example of this, I left Beowulf feeling strangely satisfied.

If you've seen the previews for Beowulf, you've probably wondered when exactly our hero says "I-Am-Beowulf!" in that strangely halting cadence, and if he kicks a Persian down a well immediately afterwards. I'll inform you that whenever Beowulf or the all-star Beowulf singers announce his name, you must take a drink. Make sure you have a designated driver.

During the inexplicably rocking opening to the film, the credits alone inform the viewer that if they didn't spring for the 3-D version, they wasted their money. During the full IMAX experience, the left projector is displays Neil Gaiman's Beowulf, while the right projector shows Robert Zemicks' Beowulf. When wearing polarized goggles, the two films combine to create a down-to-earth story of xtreme heroes, and the corrupting effects being so awesome has on them.

Its a neat trick. Not many films can get away with feeling respectful to centuries-old source material, even during a ten minute fight scene where numerous foreground objects conspire to hide Beowulf's Beowang from the viewer, while a rotting Crispin Glover Muppet indulges in some wire-fu.

The CGI characters continue the theme of schizophrenia. Many of the male characters are very well done, with only their strange eyes letting you know that they hail from the Uncanny Valley. The women are immigrants from Shrektopia, and exist free of pores, body language, and a human soul. Beowulf himself stands somewhere in between these two extremes. Sometimes he's a real little boy, sometimes he's a Lord Of the Rings NoodleElf, and every once in a while he becomes an animatronic model.

All of this should end up being a mess, but all of the contradictions somehow cancel each other out, leaving behind an enjoyable film. Still, I already know that its the kind of movie that I'll either lover or hate a month from now, and there's no telling which it will be.

Read/Viewed: No Country For Old Men

Just got back from No Country For Old Men. Well, just got back, then took a long walk down the road to think about it, then answered all my wife's questions about plot holes and contrivances based on my book learning, then re-read some reviews, then thought about grinding my way towards the good songs in Guitar Hero III, then looked up the latter and learned there are none. Then I decided to post instead.

I'm going to break, as I often do, from our spoiler policy and split this into two parts. The non-spoiler review follows. The spoiler review follows that.

No Spoilers For Old Men

While I don't think I could stomach reading No Country For Old Men, the audiobook version read by Tom Stechschulte is pretty damn gripping. It's edge of the driver's seat listening, and thematically it's a prequel to the bleak world depicted in The Road. I don't know whether the movie succeeds on both of those levels or not, because a late development in the story may have caused someone in the audience to have a heart attack. The theater neglected to turn the lights on and shut off the film, so the audience was left to grapple with whether they were supposed to ignore the EMTs and watch the denouement, or sit in the dark for 10 minutes and wait to find out if someone had died. Afterwards, another moral dilemma: Is it wrong to complain that your movie-going experience was ruined when someone's life is on the line? I can't say for sure, but as long as you aren't the asshole who leaves the theater saying, "No Country For OLD MEN! Hahahaha!", you're probably in the clear. Yay, date night.

Old Men Who Like It In The Spoiler #18
Seriously! Spoilery spoilers below!
Yo! My gangsta flow! Yo! Yo-ho-ho.
Also...spoilers.

Maybe the book is too fresh in my mind, but even without knowing how the movie ended, I'm almost kinda pretty pissed off. The Coen brothers got the suspense parts right, but they botched the message. My wife's a smart woman, and she wouldn't be asking me, "Why did this happen?", "Why would this person do something stupid?", "How could this be possible?", etc., if the film hadn't skipped over or altered plot points from the source material. While I understand nervous laughter, and that the fragility of human existence is part of the point, we shouldn't be laughing when Chigurh is sitting naked on a toilet picking bullets out of his flesh. He's supposed to be a symbol of unknowable, unstoppable violence spreading in modern times, damn it!

Succintly put, I resent them for turning Cormac McCarthy's thesis on escalating, inevitable chaos into Fargo.

Two things really ruined it for me. One, I could be wrong, but I don't remember Chigurh killing Jimmy James in the book. I'm pretty sure he brought JJ the money for no reason other than to prove he was good at his job. Two, the shocking, unexpected death of the protagonist is fully justified by the circumstances, but the movie rushes it, and cuts out the most heartbreaking part. It's just not the same if he's not shot to death in a hotel room he rented for a female hitchhiker, after renting a separate room for himself. Couple that with the edited down final confrontation between Llewelyn's wife and Chigurh, and the movie just isn't unfair enough.

Cosdoom

Re: Costume Option Analysis For Halloween 2007
from: Brain Gremlin

Narraptor, below is our feasibility/recognition analysis report on your costume options for Halloween 2007. I was disappointed to see "crazy mogwai" was not on your initial request form when you submitted it 6 months ago. Perhaps you'd be willing to consider this option next year?

I'm going as Tony Randall, myself. Cheers.

Sexy Witch
Supplies required: Sexy witch outfit, sexy witch hat, sexy boots, sexy stockings, perhaps a suggestive wand
Pro: You'd make a very sexy witch
Con: You'd make a very sexy witch
Recommendation: Vetoed by wife

Dr. Gaius Baltar
Supplies required: Depends on the season. Either a lab coat, a suit, or a prison uniform. "I'm a scientist!" glasses optional. Ability to look like you're always about to cry mandatory. Brown locks or Jesus/Charles Manson beard dependent on episode.
Pro: It's Gaius frakkin' Baltar! And good motivation to buy a new suit.
Con: "Battle...what? Gay who? I don't know that that is."
Recommendation: You'd be better off going as Locke or Sayid.

Mr. David Nelson
Supplies required: An unfortunate suit. Short orange hair. White.
Pro: You need a haircut.
Con: "News...what?"
Recommendation: Unless you have a friend willing to dye his hair orange and go as Bill McNeil, this is the wrong reason to get a haircut.

Mr. Vampire
Supplies required: Chinese vampire clothes (robe, hat, beads, shoes, pants, tabard), nails, fangs, and makeup
Pro: Dude!
Con: "Mr... what?" The only people who know who Mr. Vampire is are people who you lent the movie to. Every set of fangs you buy you won't be able to wear. You've never applied makeup in your life. Your hair is too long and the wrong color. You don't have contacts. Hopping up a spiral staircase is a bad idea.
Recommendation: Approved.

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Post Halloween Costume Report For Halloween 2007
from: Narraptor

Costume Chosen: Mr. Vampire

Supplies Used: Chinese vampire clothes (robe, hat, shoes, pants--accidentally left beads at home) and makeup. No fangs or nails. First pair of fangs would screw up dental work, replacement pair exceeded gum line. Nails would make driving in the dark difficult.

Positive Responses: Looked cool when posing for photos while sticking arms out and making vampire faces. Weird people got it when the opportunity to hop presented itself. My Pal Skipp appreciated the effort.

Recognition Percentage: "Are you a bishop?" "Are you a cardinal?" "Are you a mandarin?" "Are you a mandarin zombie?" "Are you the guy from Mulan?" "Are you Chinese...guy?"

Final Analysis: At one party I attended in costume, a woman wearing a full-on Wonder Woman outfit with a W on the front was repeatedly addressed as "Supergirl." Even if you go mainstream, you just can't win. Success by default.

Please begin research for next year. I expect a report in 8 months on the following options: Sexy Vietnamese Woman, Guy With Tentacles, Lodz, Annoying Guy Who Goes Around And Asks People With Obvious Costumes Who They're Supposed To Be.

OPM

You know you're in trouble when a stand-up's first line is, "We live an age of bullshit," and then she begins to kind of rant about Starbucks. The "things everyone knows about" age of comedy has been eclipsed. The only Starbuck I care about is the one who used to be a man and is now supposed to be dead. Niche is in. Narrow your focus.

As a prelude to OPM, I saw two one-woman shows on Monday. The first comic attempted to make up for her opening dance act by becoming increasingly vulgar and flirting with the gay men in the front row. As Margaret Cho has proven, gay audiences love to hear about how disgusting a vagina can be. Seeing an opening, she plowed into it repeatedly for 30 minutes. "OMG! Labia? What's up with that? What are those two flaps of skin for?"

It's Halloween. The barriers between this world and the next are thin. Allow me to consult Douglas Adams on this.

Douglas Adams: "Those flaps of skin are what forms the line on a man's scrotum. Get over it. And while I have your attention, The Hitchhiker's Guide has this to say about opening for a mostly Asian-American comedy troupe. 'Comparing a woman's pubic hair to a Chinese dude's beard and making it talk with a pidgin accent...what solar system does Canada exist in again? Ah, yes, the '80s.' As for the '80s, it has this to say. 'Mostly racist.'"

The second act was all about a tweaked out, beefy Tinkerbell. I'll give her credit, in our post Simpsons, Shrek, Family Guy world, the material was played out, but the actress was good. I could have lived without ever seeing a cross between "Look what I can do!" guy from Mad TV and "Superstar!" girl from SNL, but some things, like one-woman shows, just aren't for me. I prefer my one-woman shows to involve at least two men on opposite points of entry.

OPM closed out the night. Full disclosure, I can't offer an unbiased opinion. One of the performers is an old friend of mine, and Deborah S. Craig made a freakin' hot drunk Britney Spears. Normally I might balk at mocking Spears' recent VMA performance by changing the lyrics of "Gimme More" to "Gimme S'mores", but if Craig wants to wear hot pants and get covered in chocolate, then I can't say I was s'mortified.

As I mentioned above, I think there's an exclusionary modifier to humor. The less people who get the joke, the funnier it is. When OPM wasn't lampooning celebrities, they did perform some more subtle bits, and I enjoyed them. I expected a bit more bite overall, but "Interracial Relations" was clever, and I laughed throughout "Wrong Medicine" even though I didn't know anything about Amy Winewho. Apparently, she doesn't want to go to rehab.

I think "Appa Knows Best" could be a stand-out skit if it played more with of the cliches of Korean dramas. It went over well with the audience as a whole, but if there had been a guy in it wearing two scarves, glasses, and an orange wig, it would have rocked. The group definitely has potential, and coming from an arrogant, overly-critical bastard like me, that's a firm endorsement.

Scores follow.

First Act: When someone's bio says they're a clown, this is not a descriptive adjective. They are part clown.

Second Act: My wife put it best. "I didn't come here to see a play."

OPM: A good time was had by even me. A worthy opponent.

He-Whose-Love-Shall-Not-Be-Named

Three months after the final volume in the Harry Potter saga was published, J.K. Rowling continues to write its epilogue. If only she had spent that much more time on the book that went to print.

Potter fansites have already been collating postcards from the surviving characters. But after a Q&A last week, the Associated Press finally got into the act. Dumbledore was gay the whole time! (Fun fact: If you enter "dumbledore" into Google, you get "see results for dumbledore dead".) You can read an incomplete transcript of the writer's commentary track here.

Well, that's just fucking fantastic to know. Too bad it isn't stated in any of the books. And that he's dead. And even when he came back as a ghost, he never bothered to mention his love for Grindlewald to Harry, who's always been kind of a prat, and could really use a slap upside the head with a dick.

This isn't a amusing prank on gay-bashing conservatives, and it's not a bone thrown to the TBGL community. It's a cheap stunt and a cop-out by a lazy writer. Either that, or Rowling thinks gay people should only be accepted after they're dead. Rest in peace, Sirius, Lupin, and Tonks. I look forward to hearing about you in future ancillary press conferences.

Dreamt: Making Money

Immediately after reading Terry Pratchett's Making Money, I had a dream where I entered an underground street race against Lord Vetinari. I didn't lose too badly, but he was a master of the fabled Agatean Drift, whereas I tended to ram into buildings when taking corners.

Afterwards, I complimented his racing, and swore that my attempts to kill him had all been made in jest. Furthermore, I told him that I was excited about the new direction the Discworld books were taking. Clearly, the books about Moist Von Lipwig would eventually tell the story of how he would become the next Patrician, after Lord Vetinari's death.

Then I woke up. I can't say whether this was a prophetic dream or not. It certainly doesn't seem in Pratchett's character to build a multi-book plot arc where one character actually gets around to replacing another. On the other hand, I can fully believe that the way things are proceeding, it is only a matter of time before underground street racing hits Ankh-Morpork.

Video Games Live

Two nights ago, a brand new, high-profile venue opened up in downtown L.A. The Nokia theatre is just across the street from Staples Center, and it's part of an effort to create a central location in Los Angeles where real people can actually park and congregate. Eventually, there will be restaurants, a hotel for the nearby convention center, offices for ESPN, bars, and a bowling alley. That sounds too good to be true, but I'm on board for even half of that. All it's got now is a Metro stop that resembles a gallows.

(To clarify for people who know less about sports than even I do, Staples Center is not an office supply super store. Also, by real people, I mean people who have meat and aren't orange.)

On opening night, the Nokia hosted the Eagles and the Dixie Chicks, two bands which I have no problem with or opinion about, and I certainly can't discount their cultural influence. For the theatre's second show ever, they offered a live orchestra covering video game music.

I've seen enough video game music performed live to know that success generally depends more upon nostalgia than quality. Mr. Bile has written about this as well. There's a certain thrill you get when your brain recognizes, "I've heard this music that was specifically composed not to get on my nerves after listening to it for 100 plus hours entirely too often before!" But then someone plays an 8-minute medley devoted to a game you've never even seen the console for, and you're left wondering how you could have forgotten to bring a DS to a video game music concert.

Which is why I've avoided Video Games Live previously. I'd checked out their setlist and wasn't impressed. But I was looking to take a half day off, and after watching the classic games medley on You Tube, I knew I had to go. After all, wasn't this my dream since I was 14 years old, to hear video game music performed with a full orchestra?

The show takes that last point very seriously. Seeing Video Games Live is the fulfillment of a childhood dream. But as is often the case, my childhood dreams turn out to be kind of stupid.

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Video Games Live: Character Sheet

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+1,200 XP: The Nokia is celebrating video game culture on the same night that Jennifer Lopez is performing at Staples Center a block away. Those in attendance have something to feel superior about. The Nokia theatre gains its first level.

Level Drain: E For All is going on at the convention center, bilking local gamers out of cash they should have used to go to PAX. This meant a lot of attendees who hadn't taken a shower in the last 24 hours, lugging backpacks overstuffed with swag. Swag does not belong at a concert.

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Achievement Unlocked: Most of the orchestra pieces are set to a video montage. This worked particularly well for the opening classic game tribute, Metal Gear, and Starcraft II. SquareEnix doesn't permit the use of their gameplay footage in the concert, effectively skipping over 45 minutes of cut-scenes.

Account Banned: For the most part, the video game footage was a distraction. Even the Warcraft bits weren't edited to tell a cohesive narrative. Due to the SquareEnix ban, the Kingdom Hearts selection was played against a backdrop of Disney cartoons. And with few exceptions, they never took advantage of the theatre's three screens to show the orchestra up close. The camera control definitely needs a patch.

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Did You Know?: Music from games you've never played before can indeed be enjoyed live. The Metal Gear arrangement played like an awesome action movie soundtrack. And one of their premiere pieces--Bioshock--was so good it didn't even make me jealous that I don't have the hyperconductive thinking aluminum required to run the game.

What You Already Know: Final Fantasy music sucks. At best, it's a pale iteration on "The Bridge of Khazad Dum." (See also: Halo) At worst, it's Japanese cocktail lounge music. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Video Game Pianist. Twice.

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Meet Famous NPCs: "We have some special guests here from Japan. Bring your hands together for...the creator of Dance Dance Revolution! The composer of the music from Silent Hill! And the creator of Castlevania!"

Meet Dangerous Enemies: "But enough about them, here to award the prizes for one of our awkwardly staged live gaming competitions, two of the stars from Postal!"

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Previews: Next year, they've promised to have a guitar on hand for the composer of the soundtrack to Silent Hill.

Vaporware CONFIRMED: Apparently everyone needed to bring their own peripherals. They had two guitars on hand already--one for the host, and one for another guy from You Tube. That is what Rock Band and Guitar Hero are for, host. They are for you. Give Akira a guitar and give me my "Theme of Laura." As someone in the audience wisely noted, "I love you!"

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Graphics: Without conducting extensive and creepy interviews, it's unclear whether the majority of women in attendance were gamers or just along for the ride. Either way, it's nice to know there are a lot of attractive women in L.A. willing to attend the geekiest thing I've ever been to in my life.

Performance: To clarify, they're willing to attend the geekiest thing ever with their husbands and boyfriends.

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Final Score

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If you're me: 7/10

If you're the guy dressed up as Solid Snake with Kitana from Mortal Kombat by your side: 10/10

If you're there with your guild and more excited by a video introduction to the music from Super Mario by Koji Kondo than either of the above: 11/10

The Path Of Corn, or the Box Of Orange

If you ever get the chance, going through a Corn Maze is surprisingly fun. Please keep in mind, however, that while it is quite easy to get through as long as you have your map, the moment you forget where you are, you will become forever lost. Suddenly, the sky will darken, your flashlight will slowly lose it's power, and your attempts to figure out where you are will be limited by the fact that the only landmarks you can find are "Corn" and "Corn."

Also, you won't be able to hear the sounds of people looking for you. The only thing you'll be able to hear is the noise of the corn whispering to you, as you wonder why the stars have vanished from the sky.

Instead, you can decide to be a more stay-at-home type, and enjoy the fruits of The Orange Box. Portal is a very good game, although it's not quite as good as you may have heard. Over half of the game is devoted to gradually teaching you how to play the last few levels, and the puzzles stop getting any harder right when you've finally gotten the hang of things. Also, the game's dialogue is amusing, but it's hardly the laugh out loud comedyfest that most reviewers claim it to be.

Again, the game is good, but if it hadn't been packaged with the rest of the Orange Box, I would have wanted more for my money.

After you get done with that, there is the allure of Team Fortress 2. So far, my accomplishments have been limted to fixing things so that I no longer had to jump in place to use my special weapons, and following around strangers and shooting them with a health ray. Soon, I hope to add "Shooting people in the head," to this list.

What'cha Been Playin'? (October 2007 Issue)

An odd thing happened after I quit Oblivion and forever removed it from my hard drive for the second time. I started playing games.

Getting rid of WOW and Oblivion was like kicking an addiction. I realized that I wasn't getting full enjoyment out of life, and I needed help. Gametap was a good first step, and it's nice to know that Overlord, Tomb Raider: Anniversary, and Pocket Fighter (Xie-xie!) are always there if I need them for $9.95 a month. But their program wasn't right for me. I needed something, dare I say it, a little less casual. I needed something hardcore.

After attending Ryan Scott's self-improvement seminar on Thursday, October 10th, I learned about Steam. Now, I've had Steam on my computer for some time, but the service has changed in recent months. And now it has changed me.

The last time I played an FPS competitively was over a LAN network in college. We were playing Rise of the Triad, Duke Nukem, and, yes, there was Blood. I pwned Blood with anal madness. At the time, I didn't have the resources on my personal computer to run Quake or Unreal, and by the time I did have the money to afford the Internet connection and the graphics card, I was far behind the curve. Games that existed in three dimensions baffled me. To this day, I still can't play Grim Fandango.

But thanks to my hero Ryan Scott, my life is back on track. Team Fortress 2 is freakin' awesome. My average lifespan is slightly over a minute, but I haven't had this much fun gaming in years.

If you need me between now and when Lost and The Wire come back on the air, look me up on Steam. I'm also game for DEFCON or a mini-campaign of Civ IV. I was able to download the latter and its improvement packs (yay, Korea! I've discovered Buddhism in a country that didn't invent it!) for a pretty decent price over the weekend.

It's too bad I think viral marketing is wrong. I'm turning out to be pretty good at this "liking" things thing. Buy the Orange Box today from the comfort of your own home!

Read(ing): The Chopin Manuscript, 1-2

I said I would listen to The Chopin Manuscript, Audible's weekly mystery-in-a-round serial, and that process has finally begun. I was delayed slightly by Terry Pratchett's latest Discworld installment, which was a return to form until the last 40 minutes, which were also, disappointingly, a return to form. If you've read more than 30 Discworld novels, than you know what that means. There may never be a magnum opus. Which is too bad, because as a title and a concept, that would make a great Terry Pratchett novel. And Vetinari would make a challenging protagonist.

The Chopin Manuscript, Chapter One, by Jeffrey Deaver:

The series starts out with one of those "someone you'll never know or care about dies" prologues. Maybe I was too distracted by the over-produced soundtrack at the time, but it lead me to believe the story was taking place sometime during World War II. Also, I don't like actors as audiobook readers, and my first impression was that Anthony Molina was laying it on a little thick.

The first shocking twist is that this is all taking place now(ish). Our nondescript hero is brought into questioning at a Polish airport. Exposition is had, and potential characters are name-dropped. There's a daughter, her fiance, a handful of old compatriots who once hunted down a war criminal using non-profits instead of guns, cultural treasures hidden away by the Nazis (including the "I'm pretty sure it's fraudulent" Chopin manuscript), and the warlord's rumored puppet master nicknamed Faust.

Of course, this being a Deaver story, it's not long before the main character is heading back home to Tyson's Corner, presumably to drop by the latest expansion of the mall, ride the Metro, and visit MVC Late Night Video. Not the most compelling setup, but there are enough hooks for the other writers involved to run with. And in the end, it reminded me of why I love listening to thrillers:

"He smiled as if that could flick away the cached memories, clear as computer .JPEGs, of that morning."

You just can't put up with a metaphor like that unless you're trapped in a car or a dentist's chair, when all you can do is laugh or scream.

The Chopin Manuscript, Chapter Two, by David Hewson:

As with most of the authors involved in this project, I've never read anything by Hewson. I've listened ahead up through chapter 5 though, and this is my favorite installment by far. This guy might bear checking out.

Ditch the predictable "random thug gets shivved before he can kill the innocent girl in the alleyway" bit, and this would have made a damn better prologue. The girl is the orphaned niece of the piano tuner murdered in the opening scene, and her rescuer and eventual kidnapper IDs himself as the mysterious Faust. That would have been a lot cooler if we didn't already know there was a Faust, and if Jeffery Deaver hadn't felt the need to explain the literary significance of the name.

Anthony Head seems more in his element here. It's a good thing this book isn't set anywhere outside of Europe.

In-jokes That Only Smart People Will Get

Avatar, I Need Oxygen!

Ron Gilbert, designer of the first two Monkey Island games, now spends his time being grumpy, and helping others to make adventure games. His first peice of advice was probably the importance of owning your own intellectual property.

Dave Grossman, one of the designers of the first two Monkey Island games, now spends his time both proving that episodic gaming is possible, but designing a good puzzle is not.

Richard Garriott, designer of the Ultima series of games, now relaxes in a haunted house of his own design. Next year, he's chosen to have himself launched into the icy darkness of space.

Meanwhile, the guy who created Super Mario Brothers is still making Mario Brothers games twenty years later. However, he can only experience the joys of space travel vicariously, by playing his latest game.

I'm sure there's a lesson in this.

Viewed: Resident Evil Extinction

I was part of the reason Resident Evil 3 was the number one movie at the box office last weekend. I feel neither shame nor joy over this fact, only a curious dullness. My review would be, "Better than the second one, worse than the first."

Since that description leaves a lot to be desired, I have to fall back on science to determine if my money was well-spent.

Positive Test Results:

• Is a crazy guy with a gun the real enemy? No, they're just in the way.
• Does the movie devolve into Lord Of The Flies halfway through? No.
• Can I tell what's going on in the action scenes? Mostly, except for anything involving zombie dogs.

Negative Test Results:

• Are the zombies consistent? No. Super-Zombies can die when lightly chopped in the neck with a machete.
• Do the zombies need someone to open a door to let them in? Yes. A single chain link fence is enough to stop an unstoppable zombie menace.
• Are people properly suspicious of anyone exhibiting flu-like symptoms? Nope.
• For that matter, does the plot rely on someone getting bitten by a zombie and hiding this from everyone else? Yes.

Inconclusive Results:

• Is there bad Zombie Science? Yes, but the viewer is not subjected to enough of it to hurt.

So, there you have it: Resident Evil 3 has somewhat more bad in it than good. Let's all promise never think about this film again.

"You Look Like You Can Move Well In No Pants"

For reasons I assure you are entirely devoted to leveling, I spent the last three weeks running around Oblivion in a bra and panties. After a long period of game burn-out, I decided to take Garnett Lee's advice and finish a damn game. I needed to prove to myself that I could do it in order to justify upgrading my PC so I could play Bioshock, Overlord, Tomb Raider: Anniversary, and maybe even Hellgate. Or maybe just get a 360 instead.

I came up with short list of games to complete:

1. Elder Scrolls: Oblivion
2. Okami
3. Fatal Frame II

Not a bad list, I thought. All three are titles I liked when I first started playing them over a year ago. And despite my pet peeves (Oblivion's leveling system, Okami/Fatal Frame's frustratingly dated save game and dialogue mechanics), I figured I could plow through each by the middle of October if I ignored Gametap and Steam for awhile. Which would permit me just enough time to get a HDTV and a Xbox before Mass Market Effect comes out.

Okay, so maybe it's too early to hate on Mass Effect, or even Fallout 3. But with all the bitching among the "hardcore" in the gaming media about "casual" games, I think I'm allowed to be skeptical. The most highly regarded CRPGs in recent years were created with the Xbox in mind. And after Knights of the Old Republic and Oblivion, I can't help but think the "C" in CRPG now stands for "casual." (Though I prefer the term "softcore.")

I was doing pretty well in Oblivion until today. I was on my third character, I had a set of goals I wanted to complete before I finished the main quest, and had downloaded enough mods to make the game less stupid. But then I looked up the wandering monster list, and I deleted Oblivion off my hard drive for the last time.

Ignoring animals and discounting minor variations on the same creatures, that's, what, 20 monsters or so? I'm at level 30, and there's nothing left to look forward except ripping out Xivilai hearts and extracting Deadroth teeth? Fuck Oblivion. There hasn't been a more accurately named fantasy territory since Desolace.

Oblivion got fairly good reviews when it came out, and rightly so. Although the map is huge and you're free to level up your character as you see fit, the game is best if finished in a few weeks. If you find yourself trying to complete every quest, max out your stats, or explore every dungeon, you'll quickly discover there isn't much variety in the world. All caverns are pretty much the same, as are all dungeons, ruins, castles, and that's 15 times true for the planes of Oblivion.

I'm off to try my patience with Okami.

(Not) Read (Yet): The Chopin Manuscript

Talk about your impulse purchases.

Starting September 25th, Audible is publishing a "serial thriller" written by 15 different authors, at the rate of two or three chapters per week. The final chapters will become available on November 13th. It's read by Doc Ock, which leads me to believe the entire manuscript has already been completed, edited, and tinkered with. It's such a non-event that details are scarcely searchable on Google, but I can't imagine anyone financing this project if it was predicated on S.J. Rozan downloading the latest chapters the day they came out, writing her part, then FWD'ing it to Lee Child in time for him to get his submission back to Alfred Molina in the recording studio.

Which is too bad, because that was the sort of pressure that made the Green Mile so intriguing. But even assuming that's the case, I still couldn't resist knowing: "What would happen if 15 different people wrote a Jeffrey Deaver novel?"

I hope you're ready to find out, and that you have some vague idea of who Jeffrey Deaver is. (If not, he is, as we say in the game-speek sphere, a mystery writer on rails.) Because I'm going to be posting about it every week. Place your bets for best chapter now.

Read(ing): The Road

Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Oprah think she is? Jack Ketchum?

Here I am, home alone with my wife out of town. I'm thinking, "Fuck, yeah. I'm gonna hook up my iPod to the stereo, drink some whiskey, crank the soundtrack to Once, then rock out later to some Jonathan Coulton, make a kick-ass steak dinner for one, do some chores so I look totally awesome when my wife gets back, and play Fatal Frame 2 alone in the dark until I freak out and have to turn on all the lights in the apartment and stay awake until 11 o'clock in the morning when I can finally close my eyes without seeing ghosts coming out of everything."

Instead, barely halfway through that list, I found myself staring at a can of vegetable chili.

"I only have four more cans of chili. I have a bunch of canned tomatoes, but I don't like tomatoes. And if the power goes out and there's reason to believe it's never coming back on again, even if people don't know I have batteries and canned food and water enough for a few days (in case of a earthquake--always be prepared), it's only a matter of time before they break in and take my stuff. And my crowbar is in the car, so I can't expect to man up like Gordon Freeman or anything. Shit, is it even safe to mention that on the Internet? I guess it doesn't matter, because there won't be an Internet so no one can ask.com, 'Where can I find canned food and shotguns?' And when the sky goes black and rain is ash, what's the point of knowing who Gordon Freeman is? My iPod is only half charged, so I only have two hours left of listening to music if the world ends, assuming an EMP won't wipe it out. Is that how EMPs work, or is that 24 logic? Maybe I should invest in vinyl. How prepared am I to survive a nuclear attack, really? I'm not even sure where my wife is, but I know she's staying one night at a hotel so she probably has no food at all. If I lost my glasses, I'd die. And if somehow I made it to the ocean to rest in peace, it would be cold, black, birdless, and in Santa Monica."

Some people are scared of oven timers. Some people claim not be scared by anything. I'll admit to an embarrassing agnostic superstition myself (I don't believe in monsters, but I keep the window of possibility open), though in general, I'm pretty jaded. There's usually a voice in my head that says, "Oh, sure. They're eating a baby. Ooooh! Scary!"

But there's something about The Road that subverts that internal narration. The Mike/Joel and the 'bots in my head get cancelled, and without warning it becomes, "OMFG! THEY'RE TRAVELING WITH A PREGNANT WOMAN AND ROASTING CHILDREN ON A STICK! IS SHE EATING CHILDREN TOO, OR IS SHE JUST A CAPTIVE FOOD RESOURCE!? EITHER WAY, THAT'S GOD DAMN SICK! JESUS FUCK! WHY?"

You know things are bad when I double-punctuate and switch to all caps.

I have viewed, read, and listened to three things in my life that have horribly scarred me forever. I consider them all very well-executed, but I can't recommend them. With the exception of The Road, I'm hesitant to even mention what they are. I don't want to encourage anyone.

But The Road is a post-apocalypse novel (Yay!) that was part of Oprah's book club (Boo? I guess. Just because she's "The Man"...who...encourages people to read books. Never mind). It's "literary" (Actually, when there are descriptions, they're slick--that probably doesn't need quotes.) and high-profile, as it was also mentioned once in Games For Windows magazine. So I feel it deserves a special warning.

Do not read this book. I picked it up at the library and it had no quotation marks. It may not even have had commas or capitalization. My memory's a bit fuzzy on that point.

And for fuck's sake, if you are prone to nihilism, existentialism, or just wondering what's the point of it all, do not listen to this book. It's just that good. At this point, I'm hoping the boy turns out to be a figment of his father's imagination, so I can toss my headphones off, breathe a sigh of relief, and say, "Well, that was dumb."

That would be okay.

Where's Martin Now?

The next time you wonder why George R. R. Martin's A Dance Of Dragons has not been finshed yet, ponder this: A new line of miniatures is being devised, based on his books. Within a few months, these miniatures will be completed, and complementary models will be sitting on Martin's shelf.

More to the point: Unpainted complementary models will be sitting on George R. R. Martin's hobby table.

I fear for the day when I learn that book five hasn't come out yet because, "Well, if I had only received one version of The Hound, I'd be halfway through A Bushel Of Bastards by now. But I've had to paint The Hound with a helm, with a half-helm, and without any kind of helm at all. That takes a lot of time."

PAX: Nerdcore Rising, Mega Man Falling

You may not know that nerdcore music rocks harder live. Before PAX, what I had listened to of Optimus Rhyme had only convinced me that, "Yeah, it's pretty neat." Now, I'm a believer. Part of this is the usual hit-or-miss problems that crop up when small independent groups enter the studio. The group goes in, records a good set, and then some damn fool says to themselves, "Hey, all of that RAWK is getting in the way of Count Lyle's mellifluous voice! I'd better fix that."

Meanwhile, M.C. Frontalot's studio works possess a superior studio mix, but I preferred his live backup to the rotating cast of starts he grabbed for his album. That said, I'm still happy to own both CD's, and not just because he gave me a free rubber band with my last purchase.

Meanwhile, Beefy Live is just as good as Beefy Not Live. This is probably because his backup band is an iPod.

On the other hand, I can pretty much take or leave people covering videogame music. There are still some standouts that grab my attention, but for the most part, I only find myself liking the songs I already know from playing the games they're attached to. My current theories as to why this might be the case:

1- As a child, I only played games with good music.
2- Most covers of videogame music drain the midi-styled charm that made them so catchy, while failing to inject their own flavor into it.
3- No, really, Final Fantasy music sucks.

Viewed: Once

Talk about a great summer for movies. Although I've discussed Once to no end with my wife after seeing it yesterday, I feel speechless. I have that post Donnie Darko (before I saw the deleted scenes and talked with the man and got that bad vibe from Southland Tales) buzz for the first time in years. Your mileage may vary depending on your musical taste, but as far as I'm concerned Once is fucking brilliant.

I can only imagine the pitch meeting. "It's Blair Witch meets a musical. Two singer-songwriter types confess their emotions through actions and song. Oh, and there are realistic reasons for why they're singing, because it's late at night, they're by themselves, and that's what people do."

If you have a girlfriend/boyfriend/partner/significant other, you should take them to see this movie. If you don't, grab the next beautiful person who inspires you and buy two tickets. You have nothing to lose except opportunity.

PAX: Nsidious

Most of the contests at PAX were simple enough: You filled out a form, stuffed it in a box, and promptly forgot you had ever participated in it. A few others had some qualifications: Two Worlds demanded that you defeated someone in a wizardly duel first. Fun fact: Eldrich magic is no match for a brisk jog.

And then there was Nvidia's contest. You stood in a line. You picked up a shirt, and a button. The button had a number on it. Someone else in the convention would be wearing a button with a number identical to yours. All you had to do was to find that person, and the two of you might get to spin a wheel that offered everything from fifty dollars worth of stuff, to the latest and greatest of video cards, to a whole host of other items.

After receiving their badges, the participants would then realize how very poorly designed they were. The Nvidia logo was huge, but the five digit number was very tiny. In a constantly moving crowd of thousands, it would take a miracle to find the person who had their matching number.

Still, gamers are a crafty lot. Handmade signs were swiftly made. Then people realized that if wearing one sign was good, wearing two signs would be even better. But still, they worried. What if they never passed by their numerical soulmate? A nearby wall was commandeered, and numbers were scrawled over it, attached to contact information and pleas for help.

Some reasoned that even that might be insufficient, and stronger methods were required. Those looking for the easy way out would end their questions at a Q & A panel with, "and my Nvidia number is..." Others would spend their off-time standing in the middle of the room, holding up their sign, and turning slowly to show it off better. Their haunted eyes would stare through people, incapable of seeing anything but the numbers that could free them from their hellish existence.

Even sleep was put to a good use. No trip back down the escalators was complete without passing by a beanbag shantytown of slumbering souls, their signs propped up against their bodies. The tableau was one flaming oil barrel away from being the perfect blend of nerdcore and hobocore.

I'm just glad that I never got involved. There was too much to do at PAX, and too little time to do it in. Even without wearing a sign across my chest, just constantly checking the badge numbers of everyone would have been too much of a distraction to me. In the end, I wonder if the button design actually reinforced the message Nvidia was trying to put out. After all, everyone involved now has firsthand experience of poor graphics making a game tooth-grindingly difficult.

PAX 2007: Between Medium And Xtra Large

One of my goals at PAX was to pick up more T-shirts. Not counting my hoodie though, which is fairly useless for an East Coaster in Los Angeles, I already have three Penny Arcade shirts. As much as I'd like to hail ball, I'd feel like a tool if I could outfit myself courtesy of Kiko all week. So other than picking up a PAX '07 tee, my intent was to diversify.

In all, I acquired four new T-shirts. Two were purchased with cash. Another was given to me in return for a charitable donation. I won the last in a Chow-Yun Fat trivia contest.

Me: The Corrupter!
Stranglehold Guy: Give that man a T-shirt.
Stranglehold Woman: You're a Medium?
Me: I taste dead people.
Stranglehold Woman: I have Large and Xtra large.
Me: Uh, maybe it will shrink in the wash?
Stranglehold Guy: What do John Woo, Brian DePalma, and J.J. Abrams have in common?
Me: Mission: Impossible!
Stranglehold Guy: Sir, you've already got your over-sized night shirt. No shot glass for you.

The Stranglehold T-shirts were designed solely for the development team on the video game. Also, it was white, so it wasn't like I'd be inclined to wear it anyway. Overall, a minor disappointment compared to the Large T-shirt I bought from The NESkimos.

I knew it would be too big for me. It always is when whoever is at the merch table says, "Maybe it will shrink in the wash." But I felt bad for them. They had to play after Freezepop, and other than rocking the entire soundtrack to Castlevania II, their set was weak. A guy I met last year at the post-PAX nerdcore night walked out. I'm sorry, dude. I was embarrassed, too.

I felt I'd look like a dick if I asked the ECA representative at PAX for a raincheck on a T-shirt I could actually wear. I'll do it through e-mail instead. I'll even return the one they gave me and pay for postage. It's for a good cause.

Which leaves me with one T-shirt that almost fits.


I know this seems unusually "You own a dog and you feed it" for our blog, but I am going somewhere with this. I just never gained respect for the academic approach to thesis statements. When the authors of Freakonomics or Richistan blow their "In conclusion" load in the first 15 pages, why do I need to read the rest of the book? Give me an anecdote instead, and save the sound bites for page 220.

PAX 2007: Your Demo Sucks

Pheonix Wright had already left PAX by Sunday afternoon, in order to engage in a tedious amount of backtracking. Luckily, Miles Edgeworth was more than ready to prove that he is made of sterner stuff.

And yes, as fun as PAX was, there were some things to find objectionable about it. Most of these were the audience participation part of the show, where people wandering the exhibition hall were suddenly grabbed by burly men, and forced to play demos for card games of varying collectability. Still, such tragic occurrences can teach a person a lot. For example, I walked away with a newfound wealth of knowledge about how not to present a demonstration of a game.

- Promising to teach a game in five minutes is just a bad idea. For example, I was taught that in the Hero Card System, your character has a thing, a thing, and another thing. You can play three things a turn, and three identically named things that modify these things. Then, remove three things, and your turn ends. Logically, this easily lends itself to games based around metaphysical dream combat, stealing treasure from orcs, and hacking the planet.

- Lying about how a card game works just confuses everyone. The Ultimate Fighting System presents a card game with a host of rules, most of which were only revealed to the players halfway through the game. On paper, this makes the game a bit easier to digest on the players. In reality, the people involved may very well feel like the game they're playing has an infinite number of rules... especially when rules that would have altered the game from the beginning are not announced until after it ends.

- If a collectable card game is not going to give away a free demo deck after the game ends, there is no damn reason why both players' decks should be as boring as humanly possible. As far as we could tell, World Of Warcraft: The CCG is a dull game with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Worse, we realized this within the first ten minutes of a game that took half an hour to finish.

The last game especially seemed weak when compared to The Spoils. There, the demonstration of it was well run, with an able description of how to play in the beginning, with no crucial rules left out. The games goals were adjusted downwards, so that the players could get back to the convention. And afterwords, the players had a nice, tournament legal deck of cards to keep... and add to, of course.

PAX 2007: Not A Live Blog

Let me get this out of the way first. I don't know how widely it's been reported, but the Penny Arcade game On The Rain-Slick Precipice Of Darkness is a old-school graphic adventure with turn-based combat. I have seen it with my own eyes while holding several others' eyes in my hands. I had never imagined such a thing. It looks glorious.

We've been off the grid for several days in Seattle, soaking in PAX. On the spot reports are available at 1UP, with varying excesses in punctuation. Not that I blame anyone. Where else can you go from Wil Wheaton decrying government interference in video games to Uwe Boll ranting about foreign policy in less than 3 hours? Nowhere else on Friday, August 24th, 2007, that's where.

We'll be going into more intimate detail throughout the week. Rather than taking a "Day One, 1400 hours" approach, we'll dissect certain aspects of the experience to present a slice of life tableaux. Or at least I will, and I'll remove Mr. Bile's posts if he tries to do otherwise. We may not get to everything before deciding it's completely dated though, so allow me to single out some highlights:

• A day before the convention had even begun, I saw a furry.
• Over the course of three days, I was mistaken for an indie musician, a rock star, and a woman.
• I not only rode three escalators in succession with MC Frontalot, I saw his band demo "Creep" on Rock Band.
• Three people who I met last year at PAX, who I had not heard from since, came up to me and said, "Hey, it's you!" That was neat.
• I met two more nice people at the 1UP panel who might remember me next year.
• I sat through the entire surprise guest panel with Uwe Boll as he dissembled under questioning and, other than the woman who called him out for making racist shit (I think I'm paraphrasing, but I'm sure both those words were used), those who didn't leave the theater backed away from making the honest, incendiary comments they've freely printed anonymously on the Internet since House of the Dead.
• I got a complimentary spongy baseball from ITT Tech, and entered to win my weight in ramen noodles.
• I pwned Mr. Bile in Puzzle Fighter.
• I learned the difference between geeks and hipsters.

More on that last bullet point later this week. Also, the story of PAX as told through T-shirts, a numerical photo essay, we interrogate a poor guy at the Wizards of the Coast booth about D&D 4th edition, and we almost get free drinks and sandwiches twice. What more could you ask for?

Maybe a picture of this guy. I'm sorry. I left my camera in the hotel room most of the weekend, and I didn't realize who he was until it was too late. Mr. Bile, I don't suppose you managed to track down Phoenix Wright and his archenemy in the waning hours of PAX?

D&DTF, Part 2

"If you don't like it, you don't have to buy it."

When Dungeons and Dragons was upgraded to Third Edition, other argument about its value to the customer was eventually ended by that statement. You don't like what they're doing? Keep your old books, and play your old games. You can live without the future, and the future can survive without you.

The same argument returned during the great cash-grab that was Dungeons and Dragons Edition Three-Point-Five. Fourth Edition has been announced, and some people have taken offense to the fact that they're expected to replace all of their thirty dollar books after a mere five years of service.

But they don't have to join in, of course.

For fun, go to your local gaming store, and look at its role-playing section. The section is probably smaller now than it used to be, with spaces that formerly had first rate fanfiction now featuring box after box of miniatures instead. Now, examine how many of the books are part of Dungeons and Dragon's Edition 3.5.. Try to figure out how much those books must have cost the store.

In less than a year, fourth edition will come out and all of that merchandise will become nearly unsellable. This includes the new merchandise just added to their shelves, such as the Monstrous Manual V. And of course, this goes double for the near mint copy of The Complete Psionics Handbook for Second Edition that seems to linger in half of the game stores across the country. They stand as the least loved members of a bygone age, one where not buying the latest new thing just meant that you missed out on a box of ideas, instead of a new mathmatical formula that is required for the next five years.

Read: Two Books About Supervillains

If I could have chosen one week out of the year so far to fall victim to illness, I couldn't have picked a worse week than this one. Other than that time I was on the run from a serial killer. But it did give me some time to finish unrenewable library books.

If your weekly Internet browsing includes sites that feature book reviews, you've probably heard about Soon I Will Be Invincible. The author is Austin Grossman, and it's no wonder the book has attracted media attention. He's worked on some high-profile story-oriented video games, and 20 odd years after Watchmen, "literary" takes on superheroes are in. It's hip to try as hard as you can to like them. Of course, a movie is in planning stages.

People give Tim Burton a lot of shit for "not getting" Batman. But I have a feeling 20 years from now comic fans and movie critics are going to agree. With Batman Returns in particular (and a lot of help from Danny Elfman), he did something no one's really done during our current comic-book movie boom. He took someone else's characters, with years of canon, and ran with the concept. That's what great comic books are about, as Alan Moore and Frank Miller proved so long ago. "I have six months to tell my Batman story, and it's the dream of every 12-year-old boy. Fuck it, I want penguins with rocket launchers. And Prince."

Given the chance to create his own alternate DC universe, Austin Grossman does nothing unusual. Soon I Will Be Invincible is at best two novellas (one from the point of a super villain, another from a reluctant hero) slapped together. Which might be acceptable if it wasn't pretending to be a novel. But despite his statements to the contrary, it reads like a video game. Reading the book is like pressing the right mouse button to click through cut-scenes. If you're reading this blog, you've been there before.

Catherine Jinks' approach to supervillains is lower-profile, but more intriguing. If you've ever wondered what Harry Potter would be like from the point of Slytherin, this is the book for you. The narrative drags in the middle and the ending is a bit pat, but the author isn't afraid to address some of the more unpleasant aspects of teenage life. Evil Genius has a real feel-bad emotional aspect that JK Rowling's series lacks. It's over the top, but more believable. The only real flaw in the current hardcover addition is that stupid cardboard last page. You have been warned.

Movies Are Awesome

Harold and Kumar 2 CONFIRMED! And if the trailer and Wikipedia summary are any indication, it's going to be fucking awesome.

I was going to rant about how, other than that, we're entering a sad seaon of movie trailers, but then I clicked on the link for Exiled. Let's all meet up for that at the ArcLight on Labor Day, shall we? Deep Water looks intriguing as well, if you can ignore the talking heads. A water race around the world drives a man crazy. And then he cheats! Someone make a video game out of that, please.

I was encouraged to research the state of trailers after watching Superbad, where I learned recent "parody" movies have lowered the bar so far that they're now doing alternate takes on movies that were originally intended to be comedies. The less said about the other trailers I saw, the better for my personal safety.

As for Superbad, it's hard to watch this movie without imagining Kevin Smith ripping out his hair, and maybe even his teeth. I know I've used this analogy before, but it's the sort of movie he thinks he's been making for...well, since Clerks. It perfectly captures the dynamics of male friendship. You talk shit, you fight for conversational supremacy, you hold secret grudges that when voiced aloud are embarrassingly emotionally retarded, and every once in awhile you say something really mean and stupid. But if all goes well and both parties are willing to admit they can be a dick, you hug it out, bitch.

Aww.

You'd have to be a hardcore northeast coast liberal eXtreme bumper sticker feminist to not laugh at this movie. Put aside the "are men/boys really like this?" argument. (Um...yeah. Sorry. Deal.) Like other films under Judd Apatow's aegis (40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up), it portrays something rare in comedy. Real people, everyday, at the most random moments, say stuff that's hilarious.

If that world seems alien to you, than I'd be very, very sad for you. You know, if I was willing to allow myself a moment of empathy. Which I can't, because I'm hindered by that extra chromosome.

D&DTF?

Because 3.5 wasn't enough. There's now a fourth edition of Dungeons and Dragons. And (I don't think this is a joke) there's a trailer.

I have to give them some credit. Although I think that new editions/supplements are everything that's wrong about tabletop RPGs, the trailer does suggest that 4.0 addresses the primary drawback of third edition: DM loading times. But both math and rules-lawyering are an integral part of the game, and I don't understand why they would get rid of either. Unless DMs are expected to run modules on their laptops now, as the video hints at.

The short of it though, is that Wizards has updated the game every 3 or 4 years, requiring players to pick up new PHBs and tempting DMs with an innumerable amount of ancillary materials of limited shelf life.

It's been 30 years. Why isn't the game just done?

Details on D4 can be found here, at this suspiciously corporate sounding blog, good old EN World, and on any number of horrible abuses of YouTube. Spread it!

I don't have the stomach for this sort of bullshit, but what I did read before my eyes glazed over suggests D&D is now officially on rails. Also, there are more monsters to fight! (Assuming you buy the Monstrous Manual again.)

I'll let Mr. Bile or TomFoolery pick this apart. I need a nap.

What I Haven't Been Blogging About

It can be tough being Midboss. The daily grind of random guilds attempting to level-grind their way through me has taken its toll this summer. I am running out of magical drops. I currently find myself hurtling towards a climactic raid encounter with tanks and DPS'ers of significantly higher levels than me and my mobs. Posts will be light until PAX.

Here's what I would be blogging about, if I had the mana to post:

Beefy: I know I've brought the name up before, but he has a new song on his MySpace. It's very sweet. If you are a gamer, either lapsed or hardcore, you owe it to yourself to check out "Play With Me" just for the chorus. Bethzilla is teh hawt, as the nerds used to say. (Someone update me on what the nerds say now. Thanks.)

Casino Royale: Ow! My balls! Pretty to look at, but too long. Certain Cold War conceits don't adapt well to more modern political conflicts. An acceptable and grounded franchise reboot/origin story. I hope Hollywood makes further use of Mads Mikkelsen, believable bad guy and "sexiest guy" from Denmark.

The Dark River by John Twelve Hawks: Great listen thanks to the vocal talent of Scott Brick. As in book one, The Traveler, characters may have seemed a bit bland without his inflections. But considering this is the second cliff-hanger in a row, and the final book won't be out for another two years, I don't see the point in recommending it until 2009. It's not a Sopranos ending, but an epilogue would have gone a long way towards making this a more satisfying read/listen.

Gametap: Is the reason I now have an Xbox 360 controller. Now if only Tomb Raider Anniversary (which is awesome) recognized that I had it plugged in and gave me gamepad tips as opposed to keyboard instructions. Things crash, I have to run Overlord in a disappointing resolution, and with I through IV available, I'm not sure I can tell what the best version of Heroes of Might and Magic is. But it's made me feel like a gamer again right when I needed it.

Guitar Hero '80s: I borrowed this from a friend out of sense of obligation to Oingo Boingo. The critical consensus is right on the mark. The '80s didn't rock as much as I thought they did. Medium's a drag. Hard is a bit more tolerable than GH2, but sucks when you get to songs you've never heard before. I'll admit that I'm curious enough to get to other actual fun songs to beat Balls To Teh Wall, but in the age of iTunes, I don't understand why I can't just pick the songs I want to play and rock out.

Harry Potter and the Whatsits by JK Rowling: I will save my final thoughts until Mr. Bile finishes the book. No point speaking into a vacuum on my own blog. When he is done, we will go at it Instant Messenger style. Only one can blog while the other still reads. Ginny is a whorecrux.

Ooky Spooky by Voltaire: It's finally out. I'm sure it's a great album if you haven't seen him perform live since Boo Hoo was released. If you have, the only real improvement with accompaniment is "Dead." "Hell In A Handbasket" is better live, and as Mr. Bile mentioned some time ago, the one song everyone wanted is not included on the latest album. TF?

Porn: The more time passes, the longer my thesis becomes. I will get to this soon, I promise.

Roky Erickson: Apparently, he's more than just a guy who wrote a song I bought on iTunes over a year ago. He is a real person who founded psychedelic rock and was horribly scarred by the time he spent in mental institutions. I suggest you check out his library. I'm partial to "I Have Always Been Here Before" myself. If I had heard it before, I would have requested it at my wedding.

Don't Read This: Halfway Through Harry

I've been taking my time with Harry Potter: The Last. I've gotten so used to listening to the series during long car trips that I almost can't do it any other way. Almost.

Anyway, I'm at the halfway point, and here are some disjointed thoughts on it:

1. The Escape From Harry's House scene sets an good tone for the book. By the end of it, I fully believed that any character could die at any time. This is enhanced by the fact that none of the Deatheaters from book five or earlier do much now but whimper in the shadows. The chase featured a new crew of large bearded men as Voldemort's go-to goons... minions who I don't remember being utterly useless in previous stories.
2. Fleur gets to become an extended member of Harry's crew, but Victor Crumb gets shoved aside the moment he reappeared. My dreams of a Crumb/Luna teamup were so close to being fulfilled...
3. What's an epic fantasy without interminable chapters of characters being crushed under the weight of their own burdens? Disc after disc of Harry, Ron, and Hermione on the run, passing a single likeable personality between them, and making worse and worse decisions. I know it was included deliberately, but that doesn't mean I am not so very glad that part seems to be over.
4. It was worth it all for the Nagini scene.
5. I question both why people would tell Harry that his wand can't do Magic Things, and why anyone would think wearing Voldemort's soul next to their bare flesh would be anything but a terrible idea.
6. Even though every previous book has been about some new event/object never before mentioned, the Deathly Hallows really seem to come out of left field. I think it's because the book had been dealing exclusively with the repercussions of book six until now then.

Still, I'm enjoying the book. Though for a series that's drawn its best moments from character interaction, I question Rowling's decision to lock the main three characters away from everyone else for long stretches of time. I also wonder if the last sentence will be, "And then, Harry sat down to finally read Hogworts: A History."

Too Much Darksiding

Whatever Penny Arcade may have said, games journalism still sucks. There are a host of reasons for this, but most of them boil down to the magazines wanting to keep the companies that give them exclusives happy, and to keep advertisers happier. That's understandable. But it would be nice if the writers at least tried to hide this from us. Barring that, I would love to stop reading sentences like, "Combining stylish design and larger-than-life combat and characters, Darksiders should provide plenty of twists on the action/exploration formula." Change the word "Darksiders" and "Action/exploration," and you are left with one of the five generic Conclusion sentences that generic game journalists use. I get the same sensation reading those words that a college professor must have when the last paragraph of a thesis paper begins with "In conclusion, (thing I said) combined with (other thing I said) leads naturally to (the thing you just read one minute ago)."

So, yes, I'm still thinking about that Darksiders article. Someone got paid for writing it. Hell, if you include the game's PR rep, two different people got paid for it. An editor was paid to edit it, and possibly to write "When this monster grabs War, players will have to rapidly hit buttons to escape," under a picture of a burning Sleestak. In short, a lot of money was expended just to annoy me.

In order to make myself feel better, I'd like to share some of the questions that should have been asked:

General questions:

-So, what kind of items will it take to unlock doors in your game? Gems? Souls? Decorative plaques in the shape of celestial bodies? Or will it just be keys again?

-Will your character get icy attacks that put out flames, and fiery attacks that melt ice?

-Explain to me how you are able to tell "Exporation" and "Backtracking" apart.

-Given the ever-increasing amount of memory available for saving game data, how can you justify the lack of an instant quick-save system?

-Do you worry that the sense of accomplishment gained from acquiring new abilities throughout your game has been watered down by over fifteen years of other games doing the exact same thing?


Specific questions:

-Your game is set in a world where humanity has been wiped off of the earth, and only the warring factions of angels and demons are left. Why should I care what happens next?

-In Darksiders, you say that you "refer to angels and demons and the Four Horsemen. Other than that, there are no religious overtones at all." Exactly how secular do you think an angel can be?

-In the beginning of Darksiders, the current lineup of The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse is Death, Fury, Strife, and Abaddon. From this information, would it be correct to assume you think Lynyrd Skynyrd has only gotten stronger over the years?

-Are you worried that you have weakened the value of your intelectual property by basing it off of a character that lies wholly within the public domain? Especially given how little of the original story you decided to use?

-The game begins with Abaddon kicking War's ass, and stealing his powers. Why can't we play as that guy instead?

-When you were asked why you removed two of the Four Horsemen, you answered, "We just imagined a character select screen where players had to choose a character named Famine or Pestilence and it just seemed kind of lame." However, I have personally selected a character named Strife in SoulCalabur 3, and regretted it. Can you explain this?

-You have said, "You won't be picking up anything small like pistols or shotguns. Think rocket launchers or larger." Why would I want to think about rocket launchers?

-Later in the game, the player gets to use Death's Scythe. Why doesn't Death have a rocket launcher?

-You mention that "The Four Horsemen idea really got everyone excited." What is it about a non-religious adaptation of The Book Of Revelations that jettisons everything but angels, demons, and two of the Four Horsemen that excited you most?

-Speaking of which, the Book Of Revelations features the giant head of Satan, and a multiheaded beast that is also the ruler of a world-spanning empire. Wouldn't those make for better boss fights than a giant bat that is weak against to loud noises?

-Finally, why did you name your game Darksiders, and not Darkriders?