Video Games Live

Two nights ago, a brand new, high-profile venue opened up in downtown L.A. The Nokia theatre is just across the street from Staples Center, and it's part of an effort to create a central location in Los Angeles where real people can actually park and congregate. Eventually, there will be restaurants, a hotel for the nearby convention center, offices for ESPN, bars, and a bowling alley. That sounds too good to be true, but I'm on board for even half of that. All it's got now is a Metro stop that resembles a gallows.

(To clarify for people who know less about sports than even I do, Staples Center is not an office supply super store. Also, by real people, I mean people who have meat and aren't orange.)

On opening night, the Nokia hosted the Eagles and the Dixie Chicks, two bands which I have no problem with or opinion about, and I certainly can't discount their cultural influence. For the theatre's second show ever, they offered a live orchestra covering video game music.

I've seen enough video game music performed live to know that success generally depends more upon nostalgia than quality. Mr. Bile has written about this as well. There's a certain thrill you get when your brain recognizes, "I've heard this music that was specifically composed not to get on my nerves after listening to it for 100 plus hours entirely too often before!" But then someone plays an 8-minute medley devoted to a game you've never even seen the console for, and you're left wondering how you could have forgotten to bring a DS to a video game music concert.

Which is why I've avoided Video Games Live previously. I'd checked out their setlist and wasn't impressed. But I was looking to take a half day off, and after watching the classic games medley on You Tube, I knew I had to go. After all, wasn't this my dream since I was 14 years old, to hear video game music performed with a full orchestra?

The show takes that last point very seriously. Seeing Video Games Live is the fulfillment of a childhood dream. But as is often the case, my childhood dreams turn out to be kind of stupid.

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Video Games Live: Character Sheet

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+1,200 XP: The Nokia is celebrating video game culture on the same night that Jennifer Lopez is performing at Staples Center a block away. Those in attendance have something to feel superior about. The Nokia theatre gains its first level.

Level Drain: E For All is going on at the convention center, bilking local gamers out of cash they should have used to go to PAX. This meant a lot of attendees who hadn't taken a shower in the last 24 hours, lugging backpacks overstuffed with swag. Swag does not belong at a concert.

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Achievement Unlocked: Most of the orchestra pieces are set to a video montage. This worked particularly well for the opening classic game tribute, Metal Gear, and Starcraft II. SquareEnix doesn't permit the use of their gameplay footage in the concert, effectively skipping over 45 minutes of cut-scenes.

Account Banned: For the most part, the video game footage was a distraction. Even the Warcraft bits weren't edited to tell a cohesive narrative. Due to the SquareEnix ban, the Kingdom Hearts selection was played against a backdrop of Disney cartoons. And with few exceptions, they never took advantage of the theatre's three screens to show the orchestra up close. The camera control definitely needs a patch.

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Did You Know?: Music from games you've never played before can indeed be enjoyed live. The Metal Gear arrangement played like an awesome action movie soundtrack. And one of their premiere pieces--Bioshock--was so good it didn't even make me jealous that I don't have the hyperconductive thinking aluminum required to run the game.

What You Already Know: Final Fantasy music sucks. At best, it's a pale iteration on "The Bridge of Khazad Dum." (See also: Halo) At worst, it's Japanese cocktail lounge music. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Video Game Pianist. Twice.

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Meet Famous NPCs: "We have some special guests here from Japan. Bring your hands together for...the creator of Dance Dance Revolution! The composer of the music from Silent Hill! And the creator of Castlevania!"

Meet Dangerous Enemies: "But enough about them, here to award the prizes for one of our awkwardly staged live gaming competitions, two of the stars from Postal!"

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Previews: Next year, they've promised to have a guitar on hand for the composer of the soundtrack to Silent Hill.

Vaporware CONFIRMED: Apparently everyone needed to bring their own peripherals. They had two guitars on hand already--one for the host, and one for another guy from You Tube. That is what Rock Band and Guitar Hero are for, host. They are for you. Give Akira a guitar and give me my "Theme of Laura." As someone in the audience wisely noted, "I love you!"

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Graphics: Without conducting extensive and creepy interviews, it's unclear whether the majority of women in attendance were gamers or just along for the ride. Either way, it's nice to know there are a lot of attractive women in L.A. willing to attend the geekiest thing I've ever been to in my life.

Performance: To clarify, they're willing to attend the geekiest thing ever with their husbands and boyfriends.

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Final Score

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If you're me: 7/10

If you're the guy dressed up as Solid Snake with Kitana from Mortal Kombat by your side: 10/10

If you're there with your guild and more excited by a video introduction to the music from Super Mario by Koji Kondo than either of the above: 11/10

What'cha Been Playin'? (October 2007 Issue)

An odd thing happened after I quit Oblivion and forever removed it from my hard drive for the second time. I started playing games.

Getting rid of WOW and Oblivion was like kicking an addiction. I realized that I wasn't getting full enjoyment out of life, and I needed help. Gametap was a good first step, and it's nice to know that Overlord, Tomb Raider: Anniversary, and Pocket Fighter (Xie-xie!) are always there if I need them for $9.95 a month. But their program wasn't right for me. I needed something, dare I say it, a little less casual. I needed something hardcore.

After attending Ryan Scott's self-improvement seminar on Thursday, October 10th, I learned about Steam. Now, I've had Steam on my computer for some time, but the service has changed in recent months. And now it has changed me.

The last time I played an FPS competitively was over a LAN network in college. We were playing Rise of the Triad, Duke Nukem, and, yes, there was Blood. I pwned Blood with anal madness. At the time, I didn't have the resources on my personal computer to run Quake or Unreal, and by the time I did have the money to afford the Internet connection and the graphics card, I was far behind the curve. Games that existed in three dimensions baffled me. To this day, I still can't play Grim Fandango.

But thanks to my hero Ryan Scott, my life is back on track. Team Fortress 2 is freakin' awesome. My average lifespan is slightly over a minute, but I haven't had this much fun gaming in years.

If you need me between now and when Lost and The Wire come back on the air, look me up on Steam. I'm also game for DEFCON or a mini-campaign of Civ IV. I was able to download the latter and its improvement packs (yay, Korea! I've discovered Buddhism in a country that didn't invent it!) for a pretty decent price over the weekend.

It's too bad I think viral marketing is wrong. I'm turning out to be pretty good at this "liking" things thing. Buy the Orange Box today from the comfort of your own home!

Avatar, I Need Oxygen!

Ron Gilbert, designer of the first two Monkey Island games, now spends his time being grumpy, and helping others to make adventure games. His first peice of advice was probably the importance of owning your own intellectual property.

Dave Grossman, one of the designers of the first two Monkey Island games, now spends his time both proving that episodic gaming is possible, but designing a good puzzle is not.

Richard Garriott, designer of the Ultima series of games, now relaxes in a haunted house of his own design. Next year, he's chosen to have himself launched into the icy darkness of space.

Meanwhile, the guy who created Super Mario Brothers is still making Mario Brothers games twenty years later. However, he can only experience the joys of space travel vicariously, by playing his latest game.

I'm sure there's a lesson in this.

Too Much Darksiding

Whatever Penny Arcade may have said, games journalism still sucks. There are a host of reasons for this, but most of them boil down to the magazines wanting to keep the companies that give them exclusives happy, and to keep advertisers happier. That's understandable. But it would be nice if the writers at least tried to hide this from us. Barring that, I would love to stop reading sentences like, "Combining stylish design and larger-than-life combat and characters, Darksiders should provide plenty of twists on the action/exploration formula." Change the word "Darksiders" and "Action/exploration," and you are left with one of the five generic Conclusion sentences that generic game journalists use. I get the same sensation reading those words that a college professor must have when the last paragraph of a thesis paper begins with "In conclusion, (thing I said) combined with (other thing I said) leads naturally to (the thing you just read one minute ago)."

So, yes, I'm still thinking about that Darksiders article. Someone got paid for writing it. Hell, if you include the game's PR rep, two different people got paid for it. An editor was paid to edit it, and possibly to write "When this monster grabs War, players will have to rapidly hit buttons to escape," under a picture of a burning Sleestak. In short, a lot of money was expended just to annoy me.

In order to make myself feel better, I'd like to share some of the questions that should have been asked:

General questions:

-So, what kind of items will it take to unlock doors in your game? Gems? Souls? Decorative plaques in the shape of celestial bodies? Or will it just be keys again?

-Will your character get icy attacks that put out flames, and fiery attacks that melt ice?

-Explain to me how you are able to tell "Exporation" and "Backtracking" apart.

-Given the ever-increasing amount of memory available for saving game data, how can you justify the lack of an instant quick-save system?

-Do you worry that the sense of accomplishment gained from acquiring new abilities throughout your game has been watered down by over fifteen years of other games doing the exact same thing?


Specific questions:

-Your game is set in a world where humanity has been wiped off of the earth, and only the warring factions of angels and demons are left. Why should I care what happens next?

-In Darksiders, you say that you "refer to angels and demons and the Four Horsemen. Other than that, there are no religious overtones at all." Exactly how secular do you think an angel can be?

-In the beginning of Darksiders, the current lineup of The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse is Death, Fury, Strife, and Abaddon. From this information, would it be correct to assume you think Lynyrd Skynyrd has only gotten stronger over the years?

-Are you worried that you have weakened the value of your intelectual property by basing it off of a character that lies wholly within the public domain? Especially given how little of the original story you decided to use?

-The game begins with Abaddon kicking War's ass, and stealing his powers. Why can't we play as that guy instead?

-When you were asked why you removed two of the Four Horsemen, you answered, "We just imagined a character select screen where players had to choose a character named Famine or Pestilence and it just seemed kind of lame." However, I have personally selected a character named Strife in SoulCalabur 3, and regretted it. Can you explain this?

-You have said, "You won't be picking up anything small like pistols or shotguns. Think rocket launchers or larger." Why would I want to think about rocket launchers?

-Later in the game, the player gets to use Death's Scythe. Why doesn't Death have a rocket launcher?

-You mention that "The Four Horsemen idea really got everyone excited." What is it about a non-religious adaptation of The Book Of Revelations that jettisons everything but angels, demons, and two of the Four Horsemen that excited you most?

-Speaking of which, the Book Of Revelations features the giant head of Satan, and a multiheaded beast that is also the ruler of a world-spanning empire. Wouldn't those make for better boss fights than a giant bat that is weak against to loud noises?

-Finally, why did you name your game Darksiders, and not Darkriders?

E3: Still Not Dead

It has been nearly been a month since the zombified remains of the Electronic Entertainment Expo held sway over all forms of games-related journalism, giving me plenty of time to reflect what I've learned from it: Nothing. Games that had been previously announced... well, they're still coming out. Games that made money hand over fist are going to get sequels. You can still switch "Too Human" and "Duke Nukem Forever" in any games-related humor article, and nobody will notice. Oh, and the good people at Sony and Microsoft still haven't figured out the delicate art of Public Relations. Just like last year.

But that's okay, because I now receive two different game magazine subscriptions, filling me with articles about this month's World War II shooter, as well as previews about games that will be delayed at least three more times before they come out. Truly, I am better informed about these things than I ought to be.

I don't know how I got a free subscription to Games For Windows, but I'm enjoying it. Each month, they talk about games that I'll never be able to play with my current computer. It takes me back to when I was a kid, buying Gamepro magazine even after they stopped talking about any of the systems I owned. But a few years from now, when I buy a new used computer, I'll be able to look back and know which three year old games I should be buying for it.

And then there's Game Informer. It's the magazine you get for free when a Gamestop employee breaks several store policies to bribe you into getting a Gamestop Edge Membership. Its content is a mix of old news and new infomercials. For example, this month contains an article about Darksiders, a game that honestly believes being able to use an enemy's weapon against him is a new and unique feature. It also introduces two new members of the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse, because they couldn't think of any possible way they could make Famine or Pestilence interesting. They were replaced by Fury and Strife, who probably power up by chugging cans of Surge Cola. The article goes on in a fawning manner for about four more pages after that, but I can't remember a word of it. This pretty much sums up the whole magazine.

The question is, what do I do with this knowledge? Until I can afford a next-gen system, I can't use the information to buy decent games . And as Narraptor once told me, it's not like anyone is paying me for knowing so much. In the end, I blame the podcasters of the world. Half of our Tolerable Podcasts have been whittled away, so now it's either Games, Lost, or nothing at all.

The Awesome Power Of The 80s

"Only A Lad" (presumably "as made famous") by Oingo Boingo is on Guitar Hero Encore: Rocks the 80s. You can read it on Wikipedia or hear it with your own ears.

I finally have a reason to learn how to use the orange button. Truly, this is a great time to be alive and own a toy guitar.

Zerg Rant

Forgive me. I know it's hypocritical given my vehement, entirely non-apologist proselytizing of Lost, but allow me to rain on someone else's period. No, I'm not going to rant about Heroes. This goes out to South Korea.

And I meant "parade".

If you keep up with this type of thing, by now you've seen the trailer for Starcraft II. If not, you can check it out...oh, here. Or keep reading and I'll spoil it for you. It proves beyond a doubt that power armor is stupid. You're wearing a metal suit that has to be screwed together by robots, which means you can't take it off, yet your face is protected by a mere retractable shield. What happens if just one of your mechanical legs goes bad? Or if your faceplate gets splattered with luminescent blood? Do you drop to your knees and wait for a drone to come patch you up? I'm guessing this is why people who read Starship Troopers had such a problem with the movie. The trailer doesn't even hold up to suspended disbelief--video game suspended disbelief.

And yet you can clearly hear people cheering in the background throughout.

Here are two ways to interpret this reaction:

1. Imagine a world where every new version of Carcassonne/Puerto Rico/Ticket to Ride or any other well-balanced German strategy game was announced as the Second Coming via full-motion video or...

2. Imagine a world where people took non-player characters ripped off from Warhammer Fantasy/Whatever K seriously and wanted to know what happened to them.

Both options are pretty embarrassing.

I haven't played Starcraft since the single player campaign refused to acknowledge my accomplishments ("I must sacrifice myself to destroy the hive." "Dude, I already killed it!"), but I'll give the multiplayer the benefit of the doubt. Given its longevity in the international market, it may well be the closest that any RTS has gotten to board game perfection. Fine. But you know what? When I discovered their was a deluxe version of Kill Dr. Lucky, I only went "Woo!" in the privacy of my own home. It was not a spiritual experience.

As for possibility number two, you've got to be kidding. "Yay! We get to find out who lives and who dies no matter what we do!" In WOW parlance, this is "lore". In real role-playing games, we call that rail-roading.

I'm disappointed. Starcraft II, World of Starcraft, Diablo III...I was crossing my fingers for something new. Bookworm Adventures and Puzzle Quest deserve more hype than this announcement.

Mario Mints Money

In one of Harry Turtledove's alternate universes, a series of subtle changes during the Civil War caused a ripple effect that eventually led to a world in which I could do complex mathematics without tragedy occurring. Moreover, in this alternate universe, I happen to be a businessman working at a box company, with a big 'ole picture of "Stone Cold" Locke with the caption "Never Give Up!" hanging in my cubicle.

In honor of this alternate me, I still read up on business news that catches my fancy. For example, the site Information Arbitrage. About every fourth post I confess that I have no idea what the hell he's talking about. Usually that's followed up by a post about video games. For example:

Gaming and Razors: A Hopelessly Broken Metaphor

A loose summary of the article would be this: Spending a billion dollars on developing a system, and then expecting to recoup this money through games that are primarily made and sold by other people is not a very good market strategy.

This brings up another point in my mind. So, the Xbox 360 and the Playstation 3 have better graphics and computing horsepower than the Nintendo Wii. But of course they do. The Xbox 360 and the Playstation 3 come from the future. When both were introduced, they were stuffed with technology that had not yet become viable to be mass produced for the consumer market. That's why each of those systems was sold at a loss.

And why would they do this? Because both Microsoft and Sony expected their cyberpimped systems to be so impressive that it would instantly devastate any company that tried to produce a game system using present technology. Neither company has spent their millions expecting never to get them back. The reason they subsidized their systems is because they expected to get those millions back from you, on top of the millions you already would have given them.

Things have not worked out quite like they hoped. Meanwhile, Nintendo circumvented the whole "Ante a billion dollars or fold" trap that was set for them by inventing a stick you can wiggle waggle.

I can remember the days when Nintendo was the giant monolithic bully of a company that lusted for the blood of their enemies. But damn if I'm not rooting for them these days.