Schaffer The Darklord

I went to The Knitting Factory last night. While all the cool goth kids who complimented me on my Voltaire T-shirt were there to see Creature Feature on another stage, I was in attendance to support MC Frontalot.

Due to Thanksgiving and Rock Band commitments, attendance was light and extra dorky. It's just as well. Anyone who didn't know what was coming would have fled when Pitch White opened with a set dedicated to Max Hardcore. It was exactly what anyone who didn't know better would expect from nerdcore: an excuse for some skinny white boy to indulge in misogyny disguised as parody.

I'm glad I stuck it out.

MC Frontalot's show was pretty much the same as the last time I saw it back at PAX, except on a smaller stage and with a new drummer. Those saving throws never seem to pan out unexpectedly. Despite some sound issues and a setlist I've mostly heard before, it was cool to see his band perform in an intimate venue. I finally got to tell Gminor7 how awesome he is on the keyboard and onstage.

The revelation of the night, though, was Schaffer The Darklord. I believe we've written about it in the past, but I don't feel like looking it up. Good nerdcore is always better live. Studio albums and MySpace tracks may not impress you until you see a show. The video below is a reasonable promise of what to expect from him, though.



Listening to his first album, he seemed to be inspired more by Tenacious D than geek stuff. I should have asked him about that. The songs on Mark of the Beast, however, are like some weird combination of Voltaire in comedy mode and a rapping Ted Raimi. And though I love Voltaire, I have to give credit where it's due. "Revenge of Attack of the Clonefucker" beats all but "Sexy Data Tango" lyrically when it comes to vulgar sci-fi songs. And though Voltaire's son may have wondered if Jesus was a zombie, Schaeffer The Darklord wrote a song about it.

Hey, what do you know? There's a perfectly audible live video clip of it on the Internet. With post-song commentary!

Whether you're a nerdcore convert, skeptic, or hater, I urge you to check out STD live for comedic value alone. Don't be surprised if you find yourself endorsing geeky, unhip, unheard of music on your blog (when you finally get around to posting) if you do.

I have done as I vowed, Darklord, and praised you on my blog that eight people read. Will you reward me by returning to L.A.? Preferably at a time when relatives aren't around and Rock Band II hasn't just come out? I beg of thee, my dark lord of rappistry. Please look kindly on my plea.

What I Haven't Been Blogging About

It can be tough being Midboss. The daily grind of random guilds attempting to level-grind their way through me has taken its toll this summer. I am running out of magical drops. I currently find myself hurtling towards a climactic raid encounter with tanks and DPS'ers of significantly higher levels than me and my mobs. Posts will be light until PAX.

Here's what I would be blogging about, if I had the mana to post:

Beefy: I know I've brought the name up before, but he has a new song on his MySpace. It's very sweet. If you are a gamer, either lapsed or hardcore, you owe it to yourself to check out "Play With Me" just for the chorus. Bethzilla is teh hawt, as the nerds used to say. (Someone update me on what the nerds say now. Thanks.)

Casino Royale: Ow! My balls! Pretty to look at, but too long. Certain Cold War conceits don't adapt well to more modern political conflicts. An acceptable and grounded franchise reboot/origin story. I hope Hollywood makes further use of Mads Mikkelsen, believable bad guy and "sexiest guy" from Denmark.

The Dark River by John Twelve Hawks: Great listen thanks to the vocal talent of Scott Brick. As in book one, The Traveler, characters may have seemed a bit bland without his inflections. But considering this is the second cliff-hanger in a row, and the final book won't be out for another two years, I don't see the point in recommending it until 2009. It's not a Sopranos ending, but an epilogue would have gone a long way towards making this a more satisfying read/listen.

Gametap: Is the reason I now have an Xbox 360 controller. Now if only Tomb Raider Anniversary (which is awesome) recognized that I had it plugged in and gave me gamepad tips as opposed to keyboard instructions. Things crash, I have to run Overlord in a disappointing resolution, and with I through IV available, I'm not sure I can tell what the best version of Heroes of Might and Magic is. But it's made me feel like a gamer again right when I needed it.

Guitar Hero '80s: I borrowed this from a friend out of sense of obligation to Oingo Boingo. The critical consensus is right on the mark. The '80s didn't rock as much as I thought they did. Medium's a drag. Hard is a bit more tolerable than GH2, but sucks when you get to songs you've never heard before. I'll admit that I'm curious enough to get to other actual fun songs to beat Balls To Teh Wall, but in the age of iTunes, I don't understand why I can't just pick the songs I want to play and rock out.

Harry Potter and the Whatsits by JK Rowling: I will save my final thoughts until Mr. Bile finishes the book. No point speaking into a vacuum on my own blog. When he is done, we will go at it Instant Messenger style. Only one can blog while the other still reads. Ginny is a whorecrux.

Ooky Spooky by Voltaire: It's finally out. I'm sure it's a great album if you haven't seen him perform live since Boo Hoo was released. If you have, the only real improvement with accompaniment is "Dead." "Hell In A Handbasket" is better live, and as Mr. Bile mentioned some time ago, the one song everyone wanted is not included on the latest album. TF?

Porn: The more time passes, the longer my thesis becomes. I will get to this soon, I promise.

Roky Erickson: Apparently, he's more than just a guy who wrote a song I bought on iTunes over a year ago. He is a real person who founded psychedelic rock and was horribly scarred by the time he spent in mental institutions. I suggest you check out his library. I'm partial to "I Have Always Been Here Before" myself. If I had heard it before, I would have requested it at my wedding.

Eternally Hot Monkey Love Side Story: Mister Bile's Journey: Volume 2

Why no, I've never been professionally trained in the art of photography. It all comes naturally.

Indeed, there is so much to see in Los Angeles, and so much to do, that it almost seems like a waste to keep taking pictures of my hand. But I persevere.

I also enjoy long walks along the beach, gourmet hamburgers, and Red Red Wine. But enough about that. Let's go clubbing!

Club Eternal offers two different experiences for our discerning palettes. To our left, DJ Batz is playing the gothest possible music to feature Jethro Tull. To our right is the industrial tunes of Wolfsheim. While we wait for Voltiare, we can. The bartenders are there to serve up one of eight approved drinks, including a Long Island Iced Tea made from two kinds of alcohol, and a Mint Nohito, made from soda water, syrup, and pure disappointment.

Ah, here comes Club Eternal's pointy-haired boss. Much like the rollinslike lord of Hot Monkey Love Cafe, he is convinced the Voltaire needs no introduction. But have they ever considered that perhaps Voltaire might want an introduction? I certainly would.

Voltaire's set list will vary from show to show, but you're still going to hear a lot of the same songs you heard last night. He is still Rammstein in The Vampire Club, and he'll have his brains. But his patter is snappy and varied, and there will be just enough random songs thrown in to keep you guessing. Well, it will keep us guessing. The crowd doesn't seem to be engaged enough to do anything more than enjoy the fact that someone is playing music for them.

I should warn you that his song Death Death Devil Devil Evil Evil Music is fairly new, very catchy, and may not be on his next CD. This means that you'll have to wait about eight years for his next CD to come out to hear it again.

Unless it ends up on MySpace, of course.

Ah, Voltaire is now telling us what a great crowd L.A. people are, not like what he's been told at all. I encourage you to yell out "Cheap Heat!" along with me.

Sometimes, life is good. Let's split a Mike's Mild Lemonade, and enjoy the moment together.

Eternally Hot Monkey Love Side Story: Mister Bile's Journey: Volume 1

Welcome to Los Angeles Everything you have heard about it is true. Every movie set in L.A. is based on factual events, and each of these events will repeat themselves over and over throughout the course of your lifetime. You're in luck: This week is based on To Live And Die In L.A.. Enjoy the smooth sounds of Wang Chung, and thank your lucky stars that you made it here before Miracle Mile Month.

I can tell that Narraptor has told you about the San Diego Zoo. He left out the ducks, of course. But wherever there is an unprotected body of water, you will find them cohabitating with the animals you supposedly came to see.

He may have left out the three reptile houses. The first one is in plain view, and is protected by a seething river of children. They agree that snakes are cool, but they'd be cooler if they moved. Perhaps if they bang on the glass, their dreams will finally come true.

For the rest of us, there are the forbidden reptile rooms, small cubbyholes hidden away from prying eyes. Enjoy, but always be aware that this is the one part of the zoo where you can die, and nobody would notice.

But we should go, now. The flamingos are very unhappy, and you know what that means. It means it's time for Hot Monkey Love.

It seems like over half of the crowd here is underage, and only knows about Voltaire through his MySpace page. This means that they don't know the words to Ex-Lover's Lover, and have no idea that Dead Girls is missing from the playlist. The upside of this is that they do know his MySpace songs by heart. Have you ever wanted to hear a room full of fourteen year olds upstage the Goth community of Los Angeles? Listen to those kids singing their hearts out when Voltaire holds the mike out to them during When You're Evil. Tomorrow, you will get a chance to compare them to Club Eternal. I can go ahead and tell you that you should place your bets on the Monkey.

This illustrates the most important thing about Hot Monkey's MySpace crowd: They really want to be here. Some of them had to go as far as to drag their parents to the show, and you know that wasn't easy. It will be even harder next time, when those parents think back on Voltaire's long discussion about being anally assimilated during The Star Trek Experience.

I should wrap up today's trip with some words on Creature Feature: They may not be perfect, but you will enjoy yourself. Better still, their first full-length album doesn't suffer from the strange flatness that invaded so many of the CD's I have bought at Goth shows.

Does anyone here like not having wasted their money?

Eternally Hot Monkey Love

Are you on the list? Then come on in! There's a $10 cover and even the bottled beers have 0% alcohol somehow. The show's about to start. Point to an obviously underaged girl with a choice spot in front of the stage, tell the crowd she's your wife, and squeeze on in! Enjoy the show!


"So does anybody here like meerkats? You might have seen some on the popular basic cable series Real Meerkats of the San Diego Zoo. This is a song about meerkats."


"Does anyone here like to watch rhinos defecate? Male rhinos have genitalia reminiscent of Graboids. This is a song about rhino orifices."


"Is anyone here just to see Voltaire cry? He even looks good when he feels the world's pain. This is our 'When You're Evil'."


"Have any of you guys entered the cold, bitter, digestion-accelerating waters of Santa Monica or Venice Beach? It's a nice place to visit if you can ignore the constant threat of getting your legs entangled in seaweed and drowning in the runoff of the Third Street Promenade. This is a song about 'Do Not Swim' signs."


"Anybody here tonight ever accidentally stumble in front of someone's camera when you were really, really mad and then they posted the picture on the Internet? This is a song about Hare Krishnas."

[image pending]

"Is there anyone here just to see our band that didn't come with their mom? Anyone?"

...

That last one might be a bit harsh. My introduction to goth music included a Bella Morte demo tape, and considering how far they've come, I believe Creature Feature has potential. But they need to improve their stage patter. Asking a goth crowd if they like zombies is like asking, "Who here wears black?"

I stand by my impression of Eternal. Zero to durnk in never.

Harlan Was Right

The first convention that I ever went to was DragonCon. It's theme was ostentatiously dragons and fantasy and such, but as it turned out that was all window dressing for its real job of showcasing kickass music. In between sets, I attended a number of question and answer sessions that featured Harlan Ellison. (For those not in the know, Harlan Ellison is America's preeminent teller of Harlan Ellison stories. He also writes Harlan Ellison nonfiction, and the occasional short story.) Along with discussing with discussing his war against the internet, and his desire to see a good majority of the room die in agony, he asked a very good question. Why the hell were the people running the convention fine with allowing bootleggers to run wild through their vendor rooms?

I went to a Horror convention a few weeks ago, primarily because I wanted to see Voltaire again. During this time, I was disturbed to realize how very much the sight of badly photocopied DVD covers is beginning to annoy me. I know the arguments in favor of bootleggers. They are still the only places you can get the first episode of Twin Peaks, or Torchwood, or that cartoon where the entire cast of Looney Tunes dressed up in blackface and made fun of the Japanese. But the list of what only bootleggers can provide shrinks yearly. Not that this stops them. That semi-obscure Korean movie they offer for twenty dollars is freely available in America for... twenty dollars. The European release of Terror Death Lake with new footage? That new footage is also included in the deluxe release. That set of obscure British comedies you want? Oh, they don't have that shit. Would you like a fuzzier copy of Transformers The Movie than what you could find at Target?

I can understand wanting things you can't get. I can understand wanting not to pay for things, or to pay eighty bucks less than retail. Paying about the same price for an item of equal or lesser value... well, it makes me want to shake people, and tell them to support their own damn genre.

Admittedly this time there were only two bootleggers in the building. However, this was a smallish convention, and they had the very best spots to hawk their wares, just outside of the main convention hall. Meanwhile, some of the producers of original content were in the alternate vendor room. That would be the one that could only be found after walking down two separate hallways, down a flight of stairs, and into a room that was amazingly free of foot traffic. I might not ever watch a Troma film again, but I can still feel sorry for the bastards.

I planned this to naturally segue into how I met Voltaire again, and almost learned how to please a woman. Unfortunately, I am running late for a gothic ice cream social, so I'll have to leave you with vague promises to discuss the lighter side of horror conventions at a later date.