Sunday, October 15, 2006

/played

This picture says 11 depressing words. Also, I'm not wearing any pants.


That's over a week's vacation in the land of Azeroth, where Dave Chappelle fought David Hasselhoff, for only $250. Not a bad deal, assuming the trip didn't ruin my craving for experience points forever.

I have invested a lot more time (though for a lot less money) in other games, but don't regret the hours I lo
gged in high school on Civilization, the "one more turn nights" with Civ II and Heroes of Might and Magic 3 in college, playing through Diablo, Diablo, Diablo, Diablo II, Diablo II, Dia...and countless Neverwinter Nights modules of varying degrees of tedium and design flaws. I am only mildly perturbed at Disgaea, not myself, for going out of my way to max out my favorite characters over the course of 92 hours only to learn that the game had two more stages left. My brain likes gaining XP and doing inventory management.

At least, it used to. I am not normally one to wax existential while running up character levels, but the realization that things only got worse after hitting level 60 (for those of you not in the know, people will arrange their schedules to get together groups of 40 people and run through the same 4-hour dungeons every weekend, all in the hopes that the final boss
might drop the right color hat you need to complete your outfit...except you won't get it until you've logged enough "Dragon Kill Points"--no joke--with your guild, and even then it might be stolen by one of your paladins because the Internet is full of fuckwads) really made me think about whether maxing out any more fighters, priests, or magic-users had a point. I've reached the level cap in dozens of other games, why bother with this one? For that matter, considering my lifetime RPG kill count, do I really need to put up with Troggs?

A tangential observation: I've noticed that while rats in Oblivion are too stupid to realize how many of their kind I have felled in other games, there are no spiders. Either some other hero cleansed the world of them in previous Elder Scrolls or my reputation precedes me. There are giant webs in all the caves, but no giant spiders to make them. Yeah, that's right. You better hide, fuckers.


I think if WOW was a typical RPG and had an ending, burnout and wondering what the hell I was doing for the last year and a half wouldn't have plagued me. I would have made it to the end and kept playing until it was time to move on to something else, just like any other game. What the game needs is an ending cinematic at level 40. Gain ten levels in Treadmill Vale and open a gate to the Horse Dimension of Horseia. Defeat Horsephestra solo and gain the ability to steal and ride one of her young back to Azeroth. The game is now fully open to you and your travel time is increased. High-end content and regular add-ons are there for as long as you want to pay.


Ideally, you wouldn't have to get off your horse to pick up plants or kill guys either. Blizzard--king of game balance via limited function! As was pointed out in a recent CGW podcast, there was mounted combat in
Ultima Online. Please note that I've been lazy in italicizing game titles, so that's sarcastic emphasis added.

As it stands, I see WOW as one long GTA ambulance mission with a special hat at the end and an even worse save system.


But that's all over now. I made the peon cry and cancelled my subscription. Interestingly, they don't delete your characters when you leave. Lodz springs eternal. There's also a hard sell in the form of pull-down menus that beg you not to quit. "Don't want to pay by credit card? Call us at..." "Lost your girlfriend? We've partnered with eHarmony.com to..." Among the options under "Reasons For Living" are addiction (to WOW, not, presumably, meth or EQ), military service, and Will of the Forsaken Nerf.


I am am proud to write that I was not so into the game to correctly parse that phrase immediately. I thought it was some sort of
l33t philosophy.

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