Risk: Godslow (Supersized 11/25/06)

That took longer than expected. "That" being a friendly game of Risk: Godstorm and preparing Straight Guy Ambrosia. What made it straight? The fact that I can't properly peel or cut fruit. Without Rachael Ray as my guide, I probably couldn't slit my wrists. Of course, having her there to instruct me would be added incentive to get the job done right.

As it turned out, the ambrosia dish was a bit of misnomer. The only person not to partake of the Straight Guy Ambrosia was the straight guy. I followed the directions in my Williams and Sonoma salad recipe book and it called for several fruits that I don't eat.

I inflict board games on my friends once or twice a year, usually on holidays. I hope to increase that frequency in the future, perhaps running Advanced HeroQuest on Valentine's Day and Descent during Fashion Week. (I can't believe I forgot to put that on my Christmas list!) I also have a wedding anniversary to plan each year. But in case I continue to slack on the board game front, I have some helpful advice for my future self.

"Dear Narraptor,

Hi. Has Lost Adama Caused the Destruction of the Colonies'ed yet? LOL. ADCtDothC is the new Raped By a Panda. Should I worry about Bernard and a polar bear? No spoilers!

It's been six months, so you've probably forgotten about what happened last time and are thinking of having a board game night. You might want to break out the tokens the day before and play two rounds. That way you can avoid game-breaking misinterpretations and rules omissions that need to be re-looked up on the Internet before the real session reaches the point of no return. In the case of Risk, that's two hours, after everyone has finally placed their armies.

Oh, and unless you plan on taking it, make sure the card that sinks Atlantis is in the proper spell deck next time, though that did lead to an amusing chase scene on the Atlanteans' part.

See you in May."

After consulting Mr. Bile, I came to the conclusion that there are four annoying player archetypes common to board gamers:

1. The guy whose turns take too long
2. The guy who gets bitchy when he decides he doesn't understand how to play
3. The guy who throws the game
4. The guy who can't tolerate being back-stabbed in back-stabbing games

You'll notice all of those examples are male. In my admittedly limited experience with unconventional games--the ones that you won't find at Toys 'R Us--the only time I've ever seen a female player pissed was in response to the intelligence scores of female brains in The Great Brain Robbery. Our first reaction was, "Aww," but it quickly became scary. That's why Kate the Simple Housewife has an extra zero added to her IQ with a Sharpie.

Mr. Bile pointed out that each archetype may have different reasons for acting the way he does. One might take too long on his turn because there are too many options, another might find it necessary to calculate every single one. The guy who throws the game might do it because he no longer sees the possibility of winning, or maybe he refuses to ever use a failure card on principle.

Full disclosure, I myself fall into the second archetype, as I learned when I was exposed to Robo Rally. Mr. Bile acknowledges to exhibiting tendencies of the first.

I bring this up because board games are a social activity, and I think it's important to know under what circumstances you start to ruin it for everyone else. For example, in our second round of Godstorm, I succumbed to my board game shadow. After depleting many of my troops in spite I sat back, had another half-tumbler of wine, and remembered there were other people there trying to have fun. Why should I throw off the game balance just because I hadn't got the rules right from the beginning? After that, I did the best with what I had, just like when I resigned myself to sending all of my Johnny 5's into the same pit round after round in that stupid robot game that doesn't make any sense.

I lost terribly.

I had hoped to play Puerto Rico, but it's been so long I can't remember why I liked it. With only vague memories of fun, the gameplay instructions don't make it an easy sell to newbies. "The players go from round to round in different roles and initiate the associated actions." Hell, yeah!