Krigeworthy

You would think a movie where Henry Rollins wears pink sweatpants and is used as a battering ram would have a recommendation coming to it. Especially if that movie contains the quote: "Monster cock stuck in the door!" (I may be paraphrasing that one. You try Googling "feast" and "monster cock.") But the same should be expected of a horror film set in an all-girl's school from the director of May.

The characters in Feast are shot from the waist up in almost every frame. That might not sound distracting, but Henry Rollins spends half the movie in pink sweatpants...and you can't see them. It was like watching a bunch of manananggals trapped in a bar with a floating head that was supposedly a kid in a wheelchair.

The Woods was a disappointment. Imagine Suspira with too much mystery revealed instead of too little. On the upside, any one of the teachers could have brought enough dignity to Alice Krige's Argento-worthy role in Silent Hill that Mr. Bile wouldn't have to defend it anymore.

What more can I say? Mediocre movies don't fill my criticism meter. Feast wasn't clever enough to forgive its amateurish production. (The alternate ending--the monsters are hurt by sunlight!--reveals a huge continuity error in the final cut of the film, just in case you missed it.) As for The Woods, evil roots aren't enough anymore.

There was one surprising thing about The Woods. Bruce Campbell was damn good in it.