Eternally Hot Monkey Love Side Story: Mister Bile's Journey: Volume 2

Why no, I've never been professionally trained in the art of photography. It all comes naturally.

Indeed, there is so much to see in Los Angeles, and so much to do, that it almost seems like a waste to keep taking pictures of my hand. But I persevere.

I also enjoy long walks along the beach, gourmet hamburgers, and Red Red Wine. But enough about that. Let's go clubbing!

Club Eternal offers two different experiences for our discerning palettes. To our left, DJ Batz is playing the gothest possible music to feature Jethro Tull. To our right is the industrial tunes of Wolfsheim. While we wait for Voltiare, we can. The bartenders are there to serve up one of eight approved drinks, including a Long Island Iced Tea made from two kinds of alcohol, and a Mint Nohito, made from soda water, syrup, and pure disappointment.

Ah, here comes Club Eternal's pointy-haired boss. Much like the rollinslike lord of Hot Monkey Love Cafe, he is convinced the Voltaire needs no introduction. But have they ever considered that perhaps Voltaire might want an introduction? I certainly would.

Voltaire's set list will vary from show to show, but you're still going to hear a lot of the same songs you heard last night. He is still Rammstein in The Vampire Club, and he'll have his brains. But his patter is snappy and varied, and there will be just enough random songs thrown in to keep you guessing. Well, it will keep us guessing. The crowd doesn't seem to be engaged enough to do anything more than enjoy the fact that someone is playing music for them.

I should warn you that his song Death Death Devil Devil Evil Evil Music is fairly new, very catchy, and may not be on his next CD. This means that you'll have to wait about eight years for his next CD to come out to hear it again.

Unless it ends up on MySpace, of course.

Ah, Voltaire is now telling us what a great crowd L.A. people are, not like what he's been told at all. I encourage you to yell out "Cheap Heat!" along with me.

Sometimes, life is good. Let's split a Mike's Mild Lemonade, and enjoy the moment together.

Eternally Hot Monkey Love Side Story: Mister Bile's Journey: Volume 1

Welcome to Los Angeles Everything you have heard about it is true. Every movie set in L.A. is based on factual events, and each of these events will repeat themselves over and over throughout the course of your lifetime. You're in luck: This week is based on To Live And Die In L.A.. Enjoy the smooth sounds of Wang Chung, and thank your lucky stars that you made it here before Miracle Mile Month.

I can tell that Narraptor has told you about the San Diego Zoo. He left out the ducks, of course. But wherever there is an unprotected body of water, you will find them cohabitating with the animals you supposedly came to see.

He may have left out the three reptile houses. The first one is in plain view, and is protected by a seething river of children. They agree that snakes are cool, but they'd be cooler if they moved. Perhaps if they bang on the glass, their dreams will finally come true.

For the rest of us, there are the forbidden reptile rooms, small cubbyholes hidden away from prying eyes. Enjoy, but always be aware that this is the one part of the zoo where you can die, and nobody would notice.

But we should go, now. The flamingos are very unhappy, and you know what that means. It means it's time for Hot Monkey Love.

It seems like over half of the crowd here is underage, and only knows about Voltaire through his MySpace page. This means that they don't know the words to Ex-Lover's Lover, and have no idea that Dead Girls is missing from the playlist. The upside of this is that they do know his MySpace songs by heart. Have you ever wanted to hear a room full of fourteen year olds upstage the Goth community of Los Angeles? Listen to those kids singing their hearts out when Voltaire holds the mike out to them during When You're Evil. Tomorrow, you will get a chance to compare them to Club Eternal. I can go ahead and tell you that you should place your bets on the Monkey.

This illustrates the most important thing about Hot Monkey's MySpace crowd: They really want to be here. Some of them had to go as far as to drag their parents to the show, and you know that wasn't easy. It will be even harder next time, when those parents think back on Voltaire's long discussion about being anally assimilated during The Star Trek Experience.

I should wrap up today's trip with some words on Creature Feature: They may not be perfect, but you will enjoy yourself. Better still, their first full-length album doesn't suffer from the strange flatness that invaded so many of the CD's I have bought at Goth shows.

Does anyone here like not having wasted their money?

Eternally Hot Monkey Love

Are you on the list? Then come on in! There's a $10 cover and even the bottled beers have 0% alcohol somehow. The show's about to start. Point to an obviously underaged girl with a choice spot in front of the stage, tell the crowd she's your wife, and squeeze on in! Enjoy the show!


"So does anybody here like meerkats? You might have seen some on the popular basic cable series Real Meerkats of the San Diego Zoo. This is a song about meerkats."


"Does anyone here like to watch rhinos defecate? Male rhinos have genitalia reminiscent of Graboids. This is a song about rhino orifices."


"Is anyone here just to see Voltaire cry? He even looks good when he feels the world's pain. This is our 'When You're Evil'."


"Have any of you guys entered the cold, bitter, digestion-accelerating waters of Santa Monica or Venice Beach? It's a nice place to visit if you can ignore the constant threat of getting your legs entangled in seaweed and drowning in the runoff of the Third Street Promenade. This is a song about 'Do Not Swim' signs."


"Anybody here tonight ever accidentally stumble in front of someone's camera when you were really, really mad and then they posted the picture on the Internet? This is a song about Hare Krishnas."

[image pending]

"Is there anyone here just to see our band that didn't come with their mom? Anyone?"

...

That last one might be a bit harsh. My introduction to goth music included a Bella Morte demo tape, and considering how far they've come, I believe Creature Feature has potential. But they need to improve their stage patter. Asking a goth crowd if they like zombies is like asking, "Who here wears black?"

I stand by my impression of Eternal. Zero to durnk in never.