Oh, right. You're haunted. I forgot about that. I've been reading comics and playing Dead Rising. Have you tried putting on a Lego mask (note: not a Bionicle mask) and hitting the ghost repeatedly with a bench? It worked in the last Scary Movie, and it's a good way to level up so when you die and restart for the eighth time, you can finally survive the first boss fight long enough for the boss to run away.
Good ol' Pierre LaMay.
But enough mixing my references. I consulted my wife, and it sounds like you've got what we in America, with our inability to pronounce the complicated Japanese language, would call a "ringu." (In Japan, this classification of spirit is simply referred to as a "ring." Tough to wrap your tongue around, right?) Unfortunately, that's all I could get out of her before she barricaded herself in the bathroom with a stack of good china, an abandoned well, Lam Ching-Ying, and a bunch of bureaucratic red tape. She then set off a EMP device. I have been unable to contact her since.
The Japanese don't like ghosts very much. I get the impression that the feeling is mutual.
The good news is that you still have your good luck charm, so you aren't dealing with the ringu I barely escaped on my honeymoon in Tokyo. That would have been a difficult situation to remedy, as I can't remember what kind of candy she liked. The bad news is I don't really have any otaku freelancers on call. They formed a union a few months back, and I can no longer afford their services. So until I return home to my library of occult role-playing sourcebooks, I suggest you do the following:
A) Don't answer the phone
B) Destroy your TV, VCR, and DVD player
C) Discard any devices capable of taking photographs and all yearbooks and photos
D) Remove the blankets and sheets from your bed
E) Avoid anything a ghost might hide inside: closets, showers, water tanks, washing machines, air vents, refrigerators, microwaves, sinks, sleeping bags, hoodie sweatshirts, puddles, boxer briefs, etc.
Follow those guidelines, and you should be able to last a few days while your friends and acquaintances are picked off one by one. I'll get back to you when I have the time, but right now I need to prepare for board game night.
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3 comments:
All of that makes my previous attempts at protecting myself seem laughable.
Although, I must admit that most of this ghostproofing consisted of wrapping towels around the water tank, to keep the scratching noises emanating within it from keeping me up at night. That, and placing my televisions in front of each other, so that anything that crawls out of one will immediately crawl into the other.
I only have a pair of friends in the Longhair's range. Is there any way to get it to go for casual acquaintances instead? That might buy me more than a few hours of life.
You're probably already dead, so I don't know why I'm bothering with this advice, but here goes.
Have you considered posting an ad on Craigslist? Or making a MySpace? There are a lot of people out there who deserve to be preyed upon by the ghosts of Japanese children, especially those with an unhealthy interest in them.
You'd be like the cop dad in Dexter.
I'm not dead yet, though a suspicious number of my coworkers have left this week to go to funerals. So this gives me a good opportunity to try out the MySpace idea.
Hell, I wonder if I can just use YouTube as an infection vector for this...
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