Sunday, February 25, 2007

A Paranoid Lapse In Connectivity

Oh, Narraptor is quite wrong. I assure you that I am the one true Mister Bile. I have even put up one of his backlogged posts, to give the illusion of productivity. That is a Mister Bile thing to do. Besides, doppelgangers suck far too hard to be a real threat.

Not the Russian ones of folklore, mind you. They're really nice guys, as long as you're not the one they're stalking. I'm talking about the non-folklore varieties of shapeshifting bastards. Let's face it: Half the time an alien invasion begins with the monsters turning into their victims, it's just a way to conserve the budget. And how do you end these invasions? Earth resorts to Deus Ex Machina, that's what. The aliens have a giant off-switch, or a queen, or an allergy to nuclear powered trains. The only alternative is that the unstoppable sinister force really is unstoppable. Which isn't my cup of tea, but is at least bearable as long as the inevitable and logical outcome isn't presented as a twist ending.

No group of invaders could stand to be that lame. Trust me. When the replicates come, they'll be up front about their scheme. Then it'll turn out that their scheme is to only kill and replace violent criminals and pedophiles forcing us to grudgingly embrace the new and improved versions. Or perhaps it'll turn out that within 30 days, the invaders completely absorb our memories, causing each wave to re-invade the same spot, looking for clues to what happened to the last group. However it works out, it won't be like the latest remake of Invasion of the Invading Invaders.

As for Narraptor's single-doppelganger theory, I would postulate that it's just as lame. Identical twin, parallel world version, lone alien spore, it doesn't matter. As long as they're content to wear the identifying mustache, it's all good. But once they start thinking the can pull off a hasty impersonation, it's over. Petrified awkward social moments are unearthed from the comedy strata, and held aloft for our enjoyment. It wasn't funny in The Prince and The Pauper, and it's not funny now. So, I promise you this: There are no replacements going on around Canned Food And Shotguns. We simply have too much respect to inflict that on you, which means that our replicants have too much respect to enact such a scheme and not break character to the point of ruining their disguise.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking about about The Thing and Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. The Thing was good, but breaking that law broke John Carpenter. It took a few more movies for the suck to fully set in, but now all he does is stay in his room all day, wondering if it was worth fucking with the universe. Then he continues with is plans for Ghosts Of Jupiter. And Bill And Ted's Bougus Journey sucks compared to what might have been. But I have seen the past. In it, there was an even better Bill and Ted movie, where instead of evil robot doppelgangers they had to fight the laid-pack wuss rockers they would turn into in the distant future. I swear to you, it was beautiful, and predicted the apperance of Creed to a disturbing extant. Then I ended up killing someone's grandfather, and that movie never happened.


I should have expected it. After all, time machines run exclusively on dead grandfathers.

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