Cosdoom

Re: Costume Option Analysis For Halloween 2007
from: Brain Gremlin

Narraptor, below is our feasibility/recognition analysis report on your costume options for Halloween 2007. I was disappointed to see "crazy mogwai" was not on your initial request form when you submitted it 6 months ago. Perhaps you'd be willing to consider this option next year?

I'm going as Tony Randall, myself. Cheers.

Sexy Witch
Supplies required: Sexy witch outfit, sexy witch hat, sexy boots, sexy stockings, perhaps a suggestive wand
Pro: You'd make a very sexy witch
Con: You'd make a very sexy witch
Recommendation: Vetoed by wife

Dr. Gaius Baltar
Supplies required: Depends on the season. Either a lab coat, a suit, or a prison uniform. "I'm a scientist!" glasses optional. Ability to look like you're always about to cry mandatory. Brown locks or Jesus/Charles Manson beard dependent on episode.
Pro: It's Gaius frakkin' Baltar! And good motivation to buy a new suit.
Con: "Battle...what? Gay who? I don't know that that is."
Recommendation: You'd be better off going as Locke or Sayid.

Mr. David Nelson
Supplies required: An unfortunate suit. Short orange hair. White.
Pro: You need a haircut.
Con: "News...what?"
Recommendation: Unless you have a friend willing to dye his hair orange and go as Bill McNeil, this is the wrong reason to get a haircut.

Mr. Vampire
Supplies required: Chinese vampire clothes (robe, hat, beads, shoes, pants, tabard), nails, fangs, and makeup
Pro: Dude!
Con: "Mr... what?" The only people who know who Mr. Vampire is are people who you lent the movie to. Every set of fangs you buy you won't be able to wear. You've never applied makeup in your life. Your hair is too long and the wrong color. You don't have contacts. Hopping up a spiral staircase is a bad idea.
Recommendation: Approved.

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Post Halloween Costume Report For Halloween 2007
from: Narraptor

Costume Chosen: Mr. Vampire

Supplies Used: Chinese vampire clothes (robe, hat, shoes, pants--accidentally left beads at home) and makeup. No fangs or nails. First pair of fangs would screw up dental work, replacement pair exceeded gum line. Nails would make driving in the dark difficult.

Positive Responses: Looked cool when posing for photos while sticking arms out and making vampire faces. Weird people got it when the opportunity to hop presented itself. My Pal Skipp appreciated the effort.

Recognition Percentage: "Are you a bishop?" "Are you a cardinal?" "Are you a mandarin?" "Are you a mandarin zombie?" "Are you the guy from Mulan?" "Are you Chinese...guy?"

Final Analysis: At one party I attended in costume, a woman wearing a full-on Wonder Woman outfit with a W on the front was repeatedly addressed as "Supergirl." Even if you go mainstream, you just can't win. Success by default.

Please begin research for next year. I expect a report in 8 months on the following options: Sexy Vietnamese Woman, Guy With Tentacles, Lodz, Annoying Guy Who Goes Around And Asks People With Obvious Costumes Who They're Supposed To Be.

Things Which I Do Not Know How to Speak Aloud

In all fairness, my favorite monsters should be gremlins, as they not only provided inspiration for the title of this blog, but lead me to seek out my current occupation as a bulldozer driver. If not gremlins, then vampires, as without them I would have a lot less to make fun of. And as much as I'd enjoy meeting a beholder in a fedora or being abducted by mind flayers, they aren't, you know, real. (Take that, eighth-grade English teacher.)

It's slightly embarrassing to admit that my favorite monster is one I know very little about. Several Google searches proved that I didn't even know how to spell its name properly, much less pronounce it. My initial investigation kept bringing me back to boots.

I first learned of the penanggalan (or penanggal) from a Ravenloft Monstrous Compendium, so my initial understanding of the creature was likely a bit sanitized. Commonly classified in America as a Malaysian vampire, a penanggalan is actually a normal woman placed under a curse. At night she separates her head from her body, flies through the treetops, and looks for newborns and placenta to eat. The penanggalan's entrails hang from its neck, and some accounts say that these may be used to grab victims or perform common tasks like programming VCRs. But the dangling viscera are also the monster's weakness. An expectant mother will leave sharp branches and thorns around her home to prevent penanggalan from sneaking in and sucking the fetus directly out of her womb.

Go ahead. Click on that and see what happens.

After doing a little non-role-playing research, it's no surprise penanggalan have always fascinated me. For one thing, they scream whenever children are born. Some of them have Hong Kong action hair. They're difficult to spell. And for a monster this horrible, they're ridiculously underexposed.

I'm sure That Guy Skipp could recommend several short stories about penanggalan, but that's not my point. For me, the coolest monsters are the most unfamiliar. It's hard to take C'thulhu and the horrible realizations of man's universal insignificance you can see in his eye seriously when that eye keeps falling off your 13" C'thulhu Santa. The penanggalan is a weird, rare, disturbing monster that even if it could be classified a vampire, is not one you'd want to have sex with.

Hello and Welcome

It was my intention to have a two-week backlog of posts before opening this site to the public. I am adept at finding reasons not to write, and that strategy worked as well as rum and Coke. I found that I had little motivation to generate content without the possibility that someone might accidentally stumble onto it.

As a result, this blog is now live. Expect updates on non-Penny Arcade days. That's Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday for you PVP readers. Saturdays my hands shake.

In case you're wondering why you're here, allow me to welcome you to the unofficial Tony Randall fan site. Mr. Bile will be joining us shortly.

(Edit: the post schedule has been changed)