Welcome to life 28 weaks later. Everything will be fine as long as you stay inside the Green Zone and are willing to forgive yourself for what you had to do to survive the zombie plague. Today's rage round question, for free re-admission to the next movie you choose to see at your friendly neighborhood theater chain: "Who is the real monster?"
A. Man, again
B. Children
C. Cheating
D. Not being able to see what the hell is going on
E. All of the above (i.e. stupidity)
The correct answer, with less emphasis on man in general and more on anyone who decided to move back to zombie town, is "E". Please leave the theater and collect your re-admission pass. We look forward to seeing you next weekend with a more lenient attitude toward the plot holes in Spider-Man 3.
Showing posts with label monsters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label monsters. Show all posts
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Things Which I Do Not Know How to Speak Aloud
In all fairness, my favorite monsters should be gremlins, as they not only provided inspiration for the title of this blog, but lead me to seek out my current occupation as a bulldozer driver. If not gremlins, then vampires, as without them I would have a lot less to make fun of. And as much as I'd enjoy meeting a beholder in a fedora or being abducted by mind flayers, they aren't, you know, real. (Take that, eighth-grade English teacher.)
It's slightly embarrassing to admit that my favorite monster is one I know very little about. Several Google searches proved that I didn't even know how to spell its name properly, much less pronounce it. My initial investigation kept bringing me back to boots.
I first learned of the penanggalan (or penanggal) from a Ravenloft Monstrous Compendium, so my initial understanding of the creature was likely a bit sanitized. Commonly classified in America as a Malaysian vampire, a penanggalan is actually a normal woman placed under a curse. At night she separates her head from her body, flies through the treetops, and looks for newborns and placenta to eat. The penanggalan's entrails hang from its neck, and some accounts say that these may be used to grab victims or perform common tasks like programming VCRs. But the dangling viscera are also the monster's weakness. An expectant mother will leave sharp branches and thorns around her home to prevent penanggalan from sneaking in and sucking the fetus directly out of her womb.
Go ahead. Click on that and see what happens.
After doing a little non-role-playing research, it's no surprise penanggalan have always fascinated me. For one thing, they scream whenever children are born. Some of them have Hong Kong action hair. They're difficult to spell. And for a monster this horrible, they're ridiculously underexposed.
I'm sure That Guy Skipp could recommend several short stories about penanggalan, but that's not my point. For me, the coolest monsters are the most unfamiliar. It's hard to take C'thulhu and the horrible realizations of man's universal insignificance you can see in his eye seriously when that eye keeps falling off your 13" C'thulhu Santa. The penanggalan is a weird, rare, disturbing monster that even if it could be classified a vampire, is not one you'd want to have sex with.
It's slightly embarrassing to admit that my favorite monster is one I know very little about. Several Google searches proved that I didn't even know how to spell its name properly, much less pronounce it. My initial investigation kept bringing me back to boots.
I first learned of the penanggalan (or penanggal) from a Ravenloft Monstrous Compendium, so my initial understanding of the creature was likely a bit sanitized. Commonly classified in America as a Malaysian vampire, a penanggalan is actually a normal woman placed under a curse. At night she separates her head from her body, flies through the treetops, and looks for newborns and placenta to eat. The penanggalan's entrails hang from its neck, and some accounts say that these may be used to grab victims or perform common tasks like programming VCRs. But the dangling viscera are also the monster's weakness. An expectant mother will leave sharp branches and thorns around her home to prevent penanggalan from sneaking in and sucking the fetus directly out of her womb.
Go ahead. Click on that and see what happens.
After doing a little non-role-playing research, it's no surprise penanggalan have always fascinated me. For one thing, they scream whenever children are born. Some of them have Hong Kong action hair. They're difficult to spell. And for a monster this horrible, they're ridiculously underexposed.
I'm sure That Guy Skipp could recommend several short stories about penanggalan, but that's not my point. For me, the coolest monsters are the most unfamiliar. It's hard to take C'thulhu and the horrible realizations of man's universal insignificance you can see in his eye seriously when that eye keeps falling off your 13" C'thulhu Santa. The penanggalan is a weird, rare, disturbing monster that even if it could be classified a vampire, is not one you'd want to have sex with.
A Few Of My Favorite Things
Feverishly written in the night, and hastily edited in the morning, I reveal my champions of monsterdom! None of them come from my own head, nor did they come from folklore. This makes me sad, especially since I entirely forgot about kappa until it was too late. Speaking of promises I may never keep: A future edit of this might contain helpful links. (Edit: there are no good, helpful links. I'm just going to have to hope you know what the hell I'm talking about.)
Pyramid Head:
Luckily, now that Silent Hill the movie is out, I’m much less likely to have to explain where the hell the character comes from. The downside to this is that I now get to spend that time defending the film.
Many of the touches Pyramid Head has (and Silent Hill in general) are reminiscent of Clive Barker’s work. You get the feeling that there’s a complex mythos that explains why the hell everything is going wrong, and there are just enough explanations to keep you satisfied. But there is never much in the way of definitive proof, and you’re left wanting more. The fact that Pyramid Head never returns is almost certainly a good thing, since the later games start reminding me about the bad things about reading Clive Barker. Also, the character design goes a long way to cementing my love for it, with a nice blend of creepiness and improbability.
Dracula:
While I just assume Pyramid Head justifies itself, I feel almost embarrassed to list Dracula here. The story keeps getting recycled in books and film, but rarely in a satisfactory way. Even worse is when the character is dropped into other stories. I honestly don’t give a fuck about the mid-series introduction of “The Historical Dracula, Who Is Possibly The First Vampire.” Give me the historical Renfield any day.
But in the original book, there was a lot about him that just worked. Dracula's slow boat ride to London is one of the best examples I can think of for a scene that draws its power from happening offscreen. In London, his behavior is inhuman to the point that characters are left baffled how he can be so brilliant one moment and such a fool the next. Finally, the book’s climax drew all of its drama from the vampire hunters racing to butcher Dracula in his sleep, because you just can’t fight a vampire at night. That's what seperates them from mummies. All of these are lessons that were quickly forgotten by following vampire authors. Also, I love The Monster Squad.
Mister Quimper:
This might be cheating, because I suspect real monsters don’t wear elevator shoes. But not being human probably makes up for most of this. Mister Quimper wears a good suit, a stylish mask, and gets some of the best lines in The Invisibles. Also, he represents perhaps my favorite kind of villain: the secondary character who upstages its compatriots with pure moxie.
The strange thing about my favorites is that I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending you to any of the “source works” that they spring from. I love Silent Hill 2, but I can’t blame someone who flees from its gameplay mechanics. Meanwhile, if I’m not willing to re-read Dracula, how can I insist you should? As for The Invisibles…well, I only suggest it to people once I think they can work past its flaws.
Pyramid Head:
Luckily, now that Silent Hill the movie is out, I’m much less likely to have to explain where the hell the character comes from. The downside to this is that I now get to spend that time defending the film.
Many of the touches Pyramid Head has (and Silent Hill in general) are reminiscent of Clive Barker’s work. You get the feeling that there’s a complex mythos that explains why the hell everything is going wrong, and there are just enough explanations to keep you satisfied. But there is never much in the way of definitive proof, and you’re left wanting more. The fact that Pyramid Head never returns is almost certainly a good thing, since the later games start reminding me about the bad things about reading Clive Barker. Also, the character design goes a long way to cementing my love for it, with a nice blend of creepiness and improbability.
Dracula:
While I just assume Pyramid Head justifies itself, I feel almost embarrassed to list Dracula here. The story keeps getting recycled in books and film, but rarely in a satisfactory way. Even worse is when the character is dropped into other stories. I honestly don’t give a fuck about the mid-series introduction of “The Historical Dracula, Who Is Possibly The First Vampire.” Give me the historical Renfield any day.
But in the original book, there was a lot about him that just worked. Dracula's slow boat ride to London is one of the best examples I can think of for a scene that draws its power from happening offscreen. In London, his behavior is inhuman to the point that characters are left baffled how he can be so brilliant one moment and such a fool the next. Finally, the book’s climax drew all of its drama from the vampire hunters racing to butcher Dracula in his sleep, because you just can’t fight a vampire at night. That's what seperates them from mummies. All of these are lessons that were quickly forgotten by following vampire authors. Also, I love The Monster Squad.
Mister Quimper:
This might be cheating, because I suspect real monsters don’t wear elevator shoes. But not being human probably makes up for most of this. Mister Quimper wears a good suit, a stylish mask, and gets some of the best lines in The Invisibles. Also, he represents perhaps my favorite kind of villain: the secondary character who upstages its compatriots with pure moxie.
The strange thing about my favorites is that I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending you to any of the “source works” that they spring from. I love Silent Hill 2, but I can’t blame someone who flees from its gameplay mechanics. Meanwhile, if I’m not willing to re-read Dracula, how can I insist you should? As for The Invisibles…well, I only suggest it to people once I think they can work past its flaws.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
In Which I Establish Another Rule
Until the following post gets knocked into the archive, our site is no longer entirely composed of text. Also, we now have comments, which proves my gmail account is working if nothing else.
I'd like to amend the blog rules to suggest that we never promise to write more on something later, because it's embarrassing when we get distracted by Project Runway repeats and don't post again that day. And if we do promise more later accidentally, we should go back and delete that part and hope whoever read it was durnk at the time.
For anyone waiting with bated breath for my WOW rant, it is posted below. As for Errors and Omissions, I barely remember it at this point and would be surprised if anyone gave it a second thought. You should not. The AV Club review clearly outlined the book's flaws, but I was distracted by the shinier potential. "A legal thriller about an alcoholic intellectual property lawyer? How could that not be awesome?"
Well, if the character stopped being an alcoholic as soon as the expository scenes and unbelievable murders began, for one.
Looks like Thursday is Monster Day for me. It will not be vampires, though it might be Mr. Vampire. It would have been sword-tongued zombies, but zombies are too trendy now. Totoros? That's probably a step towards the right continent...
Next week is embarrassing scary story week, and my wife (who has yet to be given her own Interweb handle--she keeps suggesting grandmother names) had a different idea of what story to post than I did. So to encourage more comments, I suggest a vote:
Would the eight people who know this site exists prefer:
I'd like to amend the blog rules to suggest that we never promise to write more on something later, because it's embarrassing when we get distracted by Project Runway repeats and don't post again that day. And if we do promise more later accidentally, we should go back and delete that part and hope whoever read it was durnk at the time.
For anyone waiting with bated breath for my WOW rant, it is posted below. As for Errors and Omissions, I barely remember it at this point and would be surprised if anyone gave it a second thought. You should not. The AV Club review clearly outlined the book's flaws, but I was distracted by the shinier potential. "A legal thriller about an alcoholic intellectual property lawyer? How could that not be awesome?"
Well, if the character stopped being an alcoholic as soon as the expository scenes and unbelievable murders began, for one.
Looks like Thursday is Monster Day for me. It will not be vampires, though it might be Mr. Vampire. It would have been sword-tongued zombies, but zombies are too trendy now. Totoros? That's probably a step towards the right continent...
Next week is embarrassing scary story week, and my wife (who has yet to be given her own Interweb handle--she keeps suggesting grandmother names) had a different idea of what story to post than I did. So to encourage more comments, I suggest a vote:
Would the eight people who know this site exists prefer:
- A story about two kids and a haunted house written in third grade on bat-shaped paper (with photos!)
- Excerpts from The Christmas Tree From Hell
- "The box! The box!"
Sunday, October 15, 2006
You Can't Mount Here
Chillin' with my west coast guild members today before D&D, it looks like everyone I know is ready to bail on WoW. I feel guilty for never running a real raid on Feathermoon, but after learning that, I'm currently auctioning off all my virtual stuff. Does anyone need sungrass? I have Stormwind minimized as I write this. I am the hot chick by the mailbox.
I have more to say on how trying out a Massively Multiplayer Treadmill destroyed my enjoyment of levelling up characters. I'll be back to discuss it in full. My purpose at the moment is to switch the focus of this blog to something other than television. I have two challenges to encourage this change in direction.
Halloween is approaching, and I think this would be a good time to discuss our favorite monsters and why. Shall we say by Thursday? And That Guy Skipp (downgraded from "My Pal," a title which has yet to be reinstated) mentioned an experiment on Storytellers Unplugged that I think we should steal. They are posting their old scary stories over there. I have one from third grade I can share. Are you in?
One final note, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to respond to blog posts on my own site in the comments sections or not. Let's say I wanted to call Mr. Bile out for writing "Never do this" and bolding it. If I want to ask him why (it's working for them so far) or to challenge his formatting ("Dude, what's with the bold? I don't use bold.") where am I supposed to put that?
I'm all for the Penny Arcade passive-aggressive fictional posts myself. Also, I think we both need to cut down on the number of words in our titles...or change the font size.
I have more to say on how trying out a Massively Multiplayer Treadmill destroyed my enjoyment of levelling up characters. I'll be back to discuss it in full. My purpose at the moment is to switch the focus of this blog to something other than television. I have two challenges to encourage this change in direction.
Halloween is approaching, and I think this would be a good time to discuss our favorite monsters and why. Shall we say by Thursday? And That Guy Skipp (downgraded from "My Pal," a title which has yet to be reinstated) mentioned an experiment on Storytellers Unplugged that I think we should steal. They are posting their old scary stories over there. I have one from third grade I can share. Are you in?
One final note, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to respond to blog posts on my own site in the comments sections or not. Let's say I wanted to call Mr. Bile out for writing "Never do this" and bolding it. If I want to ask him why (it's working for them so far) or to challenge his formatting ("Dude, what's with the bold? I don't use bold.") where am I supposed to put that?
I'm all for the Penny Arcade passive-aggressive fictional posts myself. Also, I think we both need to cut down on the number of words in our titles...or change the font size.
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