The ceiling tiles of my apartment are beginning to bulge downwards, reaching hungrily for my unwashed laundry. I blame ghosts.
In the beginning, I thought to cover up the water-damaged tiles with Lordi posters. But there's too much damage, and not enough poster to go around. Besides, where the hell is Lordi, anyway? The arockalypse seems to have been postponed until later in the year. We have been given no excuses as to why Mr. Lordi couldn't be bothered to fly to America. Hell, he flies upon wings made from stolen dreams, so there's really no reason why he couldn't come on time.
Perhaps we have failed him in some way. This is about the only reason that I'm willing to accept. Even that might not suffice for Narraptor, but he places the very highest standards on his monsters.
Showing posts with label lordi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lordi. Show all posts
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Played: Legend Of Zelda
Welcome to my first post in the new, redefined world of Canned Food And Shotguns. A world where my place in the lineup is in jeopardy. Hopefully, a letter writing campaign can save me from getting cancelled. Owing to our small readership, and my even smaller writership, many of these letters will have to come from an army of alternate identities. Some of these include "Czar," which was chosen back in the day that most video games allowed you to name the main character, but only if the name was four to six letters long. "Vainglory" came later, since it both communicates a sense of overweening pride, and also isn't likely to be already taken in most MMORPGS. These fictional characters will be defending my recent lack of presence with the kind of dedication that they show when strip mining an entire desert, or rekilling Gandling the Gandarian until he drops a nice hat. Other pseudonyms that will be defending me include "Neville," who possesses possibly the weakest British accent I have ever heard, and the random letters that adorn my name badge at work.
There is good news, however. I have now found a way to awake in the afternoon that surpasses even the Amazing Lordi Machine. It involves a device that actually shakes the bed with rage, while ringing an alarm that causes my eyes to weep tears of blood. These very tears prevent me from finding my way back to my own bed, leaving me no choice to remain awake. I am pinning entirely too much hope that this will prevent me from sleeping away an additional four to seven hours every day. According the flow charts I have drawn up, this will lead to a great increase in both productivity and the kinds of unproductiveness that fuel blog articles.
I finally beat the new Legend of Zelda, for example. I was inspired to do so after finding out that EB Games is randomly calling people who own it, and begging for their game back.
You play as Link, an eerily animated mannequin who has three facial expressions: Neutral, Mildly Amused, and Shocked. As you progress through the game, you will meet a number of people, and try to guess if Link actually likes them, of if he's planning on killing them in their sleep. If Link himself knows, he isn't talking.
The first third of The Legend Of Zelda: Twilight Princess introduces a decently sized cast of characters, a slew of different minigame events to keep things interesting, a simple but competent plotline, and the occasional reason to turn into a wolf. The last third of the game has none of those elements, but does throw in a multi-part fetch quest that opens up an even longer fetch quest. The middle third is where you while away the hours, happily collecting pieces of heart and glowing bugs instead of advancing the plot.
The game mechanics are enjoyable, with some strong caveats. Link leaps forwards whenever he damn well pleases, and doesn't care if you were only trying to get near a cliff ledge to get a better view. Their are two different styles of swordfighting. The first style involves attacks, parries, and a general sense of derring-do. Alternatively, you can just hit the A button whenever the "Hit the A button to instantly kill the enemy!" message appears on the screen. Almost all the bosses are puzzles, generally on the order of "Use the item that you just got on the thing you can use it on. Then hit a glowing eye with your sword." If the puzzle's too much for you, then you can talk to a magical hint-giving demon for advice.
Things do pick up right at the end, as you engage in a series of enjoyable battles against a foe that refuses to die without the maximum amount of drama allowed by law. Then, you'll be treated to an ending that is very... anime.
Dammit.
There is good news, however. I have now found a way to awake in the afternoon that surpasses even the Amazing Lordi Machine. It involves a device that actually shakes the bed with rage, while ringing an alarm that causes my eyes to weep tears of blood. These very tears prevent me from finding my way back to my own bed, leaving me no choice to remain awake. I am pinning entirely too much hope that this will prevent me from sleeping away an additional four to seven hours every day. According the flow charts I have drawn up, this will lead to a great increase in both productivity and the kinds of unproductiveness that fuel blog articles.
I finally beat the new Legend of Zelda, for example. I was inspired to do so after finding out that EB Games is randomly calling people who own it, and begging for their game back.
You play as Link, an eerily animated mannequin who has three facial expressions: Neutral, Mildly Amused, and Shocked. As you progress through the game, you will meet a number of people, and try to guess if Link actually likes them, of if he's planning on killing them in their sleep. If Link himself knows, he isn't talking.
The first third of The Legend Of Zelda: Twilight Princess introduces a decently sized cast of characters, a slew of different minigame events to keep things interesting, a simple but competent plotline, and the occasional reason to turn into a wolf. The last third of the game has none of those elements, but does throw in a multi-part fetch quest that opens up an even longer fetch quest. The middle third is where you while away the hours, happily collecting pieces of heart and glowing bugs instead of advancing the plot.
The game mechanics are enjoyable, with some strong caveats. Link leaps forwards whenever he damn well pleases, and doesn't care if you were only trying to get near a cliff ledge to get a better view. Their are two different styles of swordfighting. The first style involves attacks, parries, and a general sense of derring-do. Alternatively, you can just hit the A button whenever the "Hit the A button to instantly kill the enemy!" message appears on the screen. Almost all the bosses are puzzles, generally on the order of "Use the item that you just got on the thing you can use it on. Then hit a glowing eye with your sword." If the puzzle's too much for you, then you can talk to a magical hint-giving demon for advice.
Things do pick up right at the end, as you engage in a series of enjoyable battles against a foe that refuses to die without the maximum amount of drama allowed by law. Then, you'll be treated to an ending that is very... anime.
Dammit.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Five From The Other Side
If you were happy to read a list last year, then I'm hoping you'll be overjoyed to start the new year with another top five list, containing 80% original material.
5: "God Help You Dumb Boy" (Our Lady Of The Broken Spine, Reverend Glasseye And His Wooden Legs) I have a soft spot in my heart for fake Western music. This year, it comes from In a right and proper world, Emo music would sound like this.
4: "They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come back from the Dead!! Ahhhh!" (Illinoise, Sufian Stevens) This might be the first album in a long time I had to listen to just to see why so many people hated it. Its godawfully long titles are matched by surprisingly fun hooks. However, this song does lose points for only using zombies as a metaphor. If I'm not impressed when George Romero does that, why should I take it from Stevens?
3: RE: Your Brains (Jonathan Coulton) I was tempted to go with Creepy Doll, just to be different. The trouble is, I don't catch myself singing along to Creepy Doll, and I do chant along to the zombies.
2: "Hard Rock Hallelujah" (The Arockalypse, Lordi) Not only does Lordi destroy cheerleaders, they can also bring them back from the dead. More importantly, they can bring me out of my slumbering, which is something my alarm clock can no longer manage. Lordi is also a good choice to one up Guar lovers.
1: "Sex Changes" (Yes Virgina, The Dresden Dolls,) I've had my fill of buying CD's that just make me think how much better it would sound live. So while I was happy with the Dresden Doll's first two albums, I was really waiting for their music to get a nice shiny coat of studio gloss. Yes Virginia provided a nice varnish, and an increased number of fast numbers to make the miles fly by.
As for cheating, I'll direct your attention to Dr. Steel, Gogol Bordello, Khate, and Twink. Also, I'm just going to assume Tom Wait's Big Box Of B-Sides would have been one of my favorites of last year, if I had known it had been released then.
5: "God Help You Dumb Boy" (Our Lady Of The Broken Spine, Reverend Glasseye And His Wooden Legs) I have a soft spot in my heart for fake Western music. This year, it comes from In a right and proper world, Emo music would sound like this.
4: "They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come back from the Dead!! Ahhhh!" (Illinoise, Sufian Stevens) This might be the first album in a long time I had to listen to just to see why so many people hated it. Its godawfully long titles are matched by surprisingly fun hooks. However, this song does lose points for only using zombies as a metaphor. If I'm not impressed when George Romero does that, why should I take it from Stevens?
3: RE: Your Brains (Jonathan Coulton) I was tempted to go with Creepy Doll, just to be different. The trouble is, I don't catch myself singing along to Creepy Doll, and I do chant along to the zombies.
2: "Hard Rock Hallelujah" (The Arockalypse, Lordi) Not only does Lordi destroy cheerleaders, they can also bring them back from the dead. More importantly, they can bring me out of my slumbering, which is something my alarm clock can no longer manage. Lordi is also a good choice to one up Guar lovers.
1: "Sex Changes" (Yes Virgina, The Dresden Dolls,) I've had my fill of buying CD's that just make me think how much better it would sound live. So while I was happy with the Dresden Doll's first two albums, I was really waiting for their music to get a nice shiny coat of studio gloss. Yes Virginia provided a nice varnish, and an increased number of fast numbers to make the miles fly by.
As for cheating, I'll direct your attention to Dr. Steel, Gogol Bordello, Khate, and Twink. Also, I'm just going to assume Tom Wait's Big Box Of B-Sides would have been one of my favorites of last year, if I had known it had been released then.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
An End of the Year Music List
I hate lists. I think they're easy, useless, and resent paying for them. It infuriates me to see magazines and newspapers publishing lists of the best games/TV shows/movies/books/comics/plays of the year (or ever). And don't get me started about lists on podcasts. Yes, GeeksOn was the first place I ever heard about the Necronomicon pillow, but I just don't give a crap about what characters readers would cast the writers of TV Guide as in Buffy or Grey's Anatomy.
But here at CF&S, we're writing text for the Internet, where we don't get paid to make lists and you don't have to pay anything to read them. For me, that makes the phenomenon tolerable. And it wouldn't look like the last week of the year on a web site without a list, would it? So here's mine, The Top 5 Songs I First Heard This Year That Still Bliss Me Out.
5. "ReYourBrains" (Thing A Week Two, Jonathan Coulton)
Mmm, brains. Like most of the songs on this list, this was a toss-up. Coulton's better-known single, "Code Monkey," manages to rock and be surprisingly sweet at the same time. But this is the song that I bought the T-shirt for, and I have never bought a music T-shirt in my life.
4. "In This Together" (You and Me Against the World, Apoptygma Berzerk)
Completeing their journey from synthpop to dance to rock, Apop finally fulfilled Mr. Bile's hopes and released a studio album with the same energy as their live one. The whole album makes me feel happy, but this song in particular has a "played over the end credits of a movie with shots of the main characters dancing" feeling that I really dig. Check out the real version yourself, because you'll only hear the dance remix at goth roller-skating night.
3. "Nursehellamentary" (Rhyme Torrents Volume I, Nursehella)
This was the year I was forcibly exposed to nerdcore, and surprisingly, I liked it. With both MC Frontalot and Weird Al in the mix, it was hard to choose just one nerdcore song to put on this list. I picked Nursehella because she embraced the braggadocio popular in non-nerd rap without mocking it or using it as an excuse for white-boy misogyny. The lyrics are actually kind of hot. My decision was cemented when I checked out her My Space profile, where she describes herself like a sexy Tycho Brahe would.
2. "Night of the Vampire" (Gremlins Have Pictures, Roky Erickson)
Sometimes not finding what you put into the search bar on iTunes has its rewards. I don't even know what subgenre this is. What I do know is that gets stuck in your head, evokes a cool mental picture, and has great misheard lyrics. I stand in the darkness with no porn.
1. "The New Kid" (Drag It Up, The Old '97s)
Another toss-up. Slither has an awesome, thematically appropriate soundtrack. But the Yayhoo's "Baby I Love You" seems to strike a nerve with some women, so "The New Kid" it is. And, yes, it is alt-country.
Most of the above are available for sampling and download via iTunes. "ReYourBrains," "Code Monkey," and other Jonathan Coulton songs may still be available there for free if you subscribe to his podcast. "Nursehellamentary" can be heard in full here.
The usual cheating honorary mentions go to Bear McCreary, The NESkimos, The Oddz, the aforementioned MC Frontalot, MC Hawking, and Rappy McRapperson. Oh, and Lordi. They destroy cheerleaders.
But here at CF&S, we're writing text for the Internet, where we don't get paid to make lists and you don't have to pay anything to read them. For me, that makes the phenomenon tolerable. And it wouldn't look like the last week of the year on a web site without a list, would it? So here's mine, The Top 5 Songs I First Heard This Year That Still Bliss Me Out.
5. "ReYourBrains" (Thing A Week Two, Jonathan Coulton)
Mmm, brains. Like most of the songs on this list, this was a toss-up. Coulton's better-known single, "Code Monkey," manages to rock and be surprisingly sweet at the same time. But this is the song that I bought the T-shirt for, and I have never bought a music T-shirt in my life.
4. "In This Together" (You and Me Against the World, Apoptygma Berzerk)
Completeing their journey from synthpop to dance to rock, Apop finally fulfilled Mr. Bile's hopes and released a studio album with the same energy as their live one. The whole album makes me feel happy, but this song in particular has a "played over the end credits of a movie with shots of the main characters dancing" feeling that I really dig. Check out the real version yourself, because you'll only hear the dance remix at goth roller-skating night.
3. "Nursehellamentary" (Rhyme Torrents Volume I, Nursehella)
This was the year I was forcibly exposed to nerdcore, and surprisingly, I liked it. With both MC Frontalot and Weird Al in the mix, it was hard to choose just one nerdcore song to put on this list. I picked Nursehella because she embraced the braggadocio popular in non-nerd rap without mocking it or using it as an excuse for white-boy misogyny. The lyrics are actually kind of hot. My decision was cemented when I checked out her My Space profile, where she describes herself like a sexy Tycho Brahe would.
2. "Night of the Vampire" (Gremlins Have Pictures, Roky Erickson)
Sometimes not finding what you put into the search bar on iTunes has its rewards. I don't even know what subgenre this is. What I do know is that gets stuck in your head, evokes a cool mental picture, and has great misheard lyrics. I stand in the darkness with no porn.
1. "The New Kid" (Drag It Up, The Old '97s)
Another toss-up. Slither has an awesome, thematically appropriate soundtrack. But the Yayhoo's "Baby I Love You" seems to strike a nerve with some women, so "The New Kid" it is. And, yes, it is alt-country.
Most of the above are available for sampling and download via iTunes. "ReYourBrains," "Code Monkey," and other Jonathan Coulton songs may still be available there for free if you subscribe to his podcast. "Nursehellamentary" can be heard in full here.
The usual cheating honorary mentions go to Bear McCreary, The NESkimos, The Oddz, the aforementioned MC Frontalot, MC Hawking, and Rappy McRapperson. Oh, and Lordi. They destroy cheerleaders.
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