Played: Legend Of Zelda

Welcome to my first post in the new, redefined world of Canned Food And Shotguns. A world where my place in the lineup is in jeopardy. Hopefully, a letter writing campaign can save me from getting cancelled. Owing to our small readership, and my even smaller writership, many of these letters will have to come from an army of alternate identities. Some of these include "Czar," which was chosen back in the day that most video games allowed you to name the main character, but only if the name was four to six letters long. "Vainglory" came later, since it both communicates a sense of overweening pride, and also isn't likely to be already taken in most MMORPGS. These fictional characters will be defending my recent lack of presence with the kind of dedication that they show when strip mining an entire desert, or rekilling Gandling the Gandarian until he drops a nice hat. Other pseudonyms that will be defending me include "Neville," who possesses possibly the weakest British accent I have ever heard, and the random letters that adorn my name badge at work.

There is good news, however. I have now found a way to awake in the afternoon that surpasses even the Amazing Lordi Machine. It involves a device that actually shakes the bed with rage, while ringing an alarm that causes my eyes to weep tears of blood. These very tears prevent me from finding my way back to my own bed, leaving me no choice to remain awake. I am pinning entirely too much hope that this will prevent me from sleeping away an additional four to seven hours every day. According the flow charts I have drawn up, this will lead to a great increase in both productivity and the kinds of unproductiveness that fuel blog articles.

I finally beat the new Legend of Zelda, for example. I was inspired to do so after finding out that EB Games is randomly calling people who own it, and begging for their game back.

You play as Link, an eerily animated mannequin who has three facial expressions: Neutral, Mildly Amused, and Shocked. As you progress through the game, you will meet a number of people, and try to guess if Link actually likes them, of if he's planning on killing them in their sleep. If Link himself knows, he isn't talking.

The first third of The Legend Of Zelda: Twilight Princess introduces a decently sized cast of characters, a slew of different minigame events to keep things interesting, a simple but competent plotline, and the occasional reason to turn into a wolf. The last third of the game has none of those elements, but does throw in a multi-part fetch quest that opens up an even longer fetch quest. The middle third is where you while away the hours, happily collecting pieces of heart and glowing bugs instead of advancing the plot.

The game mechanics are enjoyable, with some strong caveats. Link leaps forwards whenever he damn well pleases, and doesn't care if you were only trying to get near a cliff ledge to get a better view. Their are two different styles of swordfighting. The first style involves attacks, parries, and a general sense of derring-do. Alternatively, you can just hit the A button whenever the "Hit the A button to instantly kill the enemy!" message appears on the screen. Almost all the bosses are puzzles, generally on the order of "Use the item that you just got on the thing you can use it on. Then hit a glowing eye with your sword." If the puzzle's too much for you, then you can talk to a magical hint-giving demon for advice.

Things do pick up right at the end, as you engage in a series of enjoyable battles against a foe that refuses to die without the maximum amount of drama allowed by law. Then, you'll be treated to an ending that is very... anime.

Dammit.