Don't Read This Either! More Potter Ramblings

I am more than halfway through the final book of the Harry Potter saga. I can't deny that listening to it on CD, every day I wish my commute was a little bit longer. But inside my forehead there's a bored whisper. It sounds like Simon Pegg, and it says, "Skip to the end..."

I've always had issues with Rowling's sentences, plotting, and plot-creep cheats. "[blank] swelled up in Harry's chest like a balloon." All those important conversations interrupted by "then they heard voices," and not resumed for weeks. The "You didn't know about these before because [they didn't exist until this book]" excuse. Plus there's that ever-present "It must be Snape!" thing, when it's so obviously not. Rowling has no poker face, as Deathly Hallows often demonstrates.

But I was sucked in anyway, because of the characters and the characterizations of Jim Dale, who reads the audiobooks. Without them, the series would be a chore.

Case in point, The Deathy Hallows. The setup at the end of The Half-Blood Prince was intriguing. Harry planned to skip his last semester at Hogwarts to hunt down Voldemort. I didn't think Rowling would actually go through with it. But she did, and it's shocking how badly the plot stumbles without the school framework. How's a woman supposed to know when to advance the plot if there's no summer vacation, Halloween, Valentine's Day, or trips to Hogsmead?

Worse, taking the heroes out of Hogwarts means no character interaction. So far, Harry, Ron, and Hermione have spent most of their time sitting around, sophomorically speculating in circles, waiting for things to happen to them. When it does, one or two characters from Rowling's sprawling cast might make a cameo appearance. "Look, there in that paragraph! It's Luna Lovegood! And her father's in this book, too! Wow, that was fast. Oh, right, Draco! Forgot about him. I wonder if anything's going on with Neville. Kind of odd we haven't seen him yet, don't you think?"

I might as well be watching one of the movies, hoping for a brief scene where Alan Rickman is given a chance to speak.

E3: Still Not Dead

It has been nearly been a month since the zombified remains of the Electronic Entertainment Expo held sway over all forms of games-related journalism, giving me plenty of time to reflect what I've learned from it: Nothing. Games that had been previously announced... well, they're still coming out. Games that made money hand over fist are going to get sequels. You can still switch "Too Human" and "Duke Nukem Forever" in any games-related humor article, and nobody will notice. Oh, and the good people at Sony and Microsoft still haven't figured out the delicate art of Public Relations. Just like last year.

But that's okay, because I now receive two different game magazine subscriptions, filling me with articles about this month's World War II shooter, as well as previews about games that will be delayed at least three more times before they come out. Truly, I am better informed about these things than I ought to be.

I don't know how I got a free subscription to Games For Windows, but I'm enjoying it. Each month, they talk about games that I'll never be able to play with my current computer. It takes me back to when I was a kid, buying Gamepro magazine even after they stopped talking about any of the systems I owned. But a few years from now, when I buy a new used computer, I'll be able to look back and know which three year old games I should be buying for it.

And then there's Game Informer. It's the magazine you get for free when a Gamestop employee breaks several store policies to bribe you into getting a Gamestop Edge Membership. Its content is a mix of old news and new infomercials. For example, this month contains an article about Darksiders, a game that honestly believes being able to use an enemy's weapon against him is a new and unique feature. It also introduces two new members of the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse, because they couldn't think of any possible way they could make Famine or Pestilence interesting. They were replaced by Fury and Strife, who probably power up by chugging cans of Surge Cola. The article goes on in a fawning manner for about four more pages after that, but I can't remember a word of it. This pretty much sums up the whole magazine.

The question is, what do I do with this knowledge? Until I can afford a next-gen system, I can't use the information to buy decent games . And as Narraptor once told me, it's not like anyone is paying me for knowing so much. In the end, I blame the podcasters of the world. Half of our Tolerable Podcasts have been whittled away, so now it's either Games, Lost, or nothing at all.