Too Much Darksiding

Whatever Penny Arcade may have said, games journalism still sucks. There are a host of reasons for this, but most of them boil down to the magazines wanting to keep the companies that give them exclusives happy, and to keep advertisers happier. That's understandable. But it would be nice if the writers at least tried to hide this from us. Barring that, I would love to stop reading sentences like, "Combining stylish design and larger-than-life combat and characters, Darksiders should provide plenty of twists on the action/exploration formula." Change the word "Darksiders" and "Action/exploration," and you are left with one of the five generic Conclusion sentences that generic game journalists use. I get the same sensation reading those words that a college professor must have when the last paragraph of a thesis paper begins with "In conclusion, (thing I said) combined with (other thing I said) leads naturally to (the thing you just read one minute ago)."

So, yes, I'm still thinking about that Darksiders article. Someone got paid for writing it. Hell, if you include the game's PR rep, two different people got paid for it. An editor was paid to edit it, and possibly to write "When this monster grabs War, players will have to rapidly hit buttons to escape," under a picture of a burning Sleestak. In short, a lot of money was expended just to annoy me.

In order to make myself feel better, I'd like to share some of the questions that should have been asked:

General questions:

-So, what kind of items will it take to unlock doors in your game? Gems? Souls? Decorative plaques in the shape of celestial bodies? Or will it just be keys again?

-Will your character get icy attacks that put out flames, and fiery attacks that melt ice?

-Explain to me how you are able to tell "Exporation" and "Backtracking" apart.

-Given the ever-increasing amount of memory available for saving game data, how can you justify the lack of an instant quick-save system?

-Do you worry that the sense of accomplishment gained from acquiring new abilities throughout your game has been watered down by over fifteen years of other games doing the exact same thing?


Specific questions:

-Your game is set in a world where humanity has been wiped off of the earth, and only the warring factions of angels and demons are left. Why should I care what happens next?

-In Darksiders, you say that you "refer to angels and demons and the Four Horsemen. Other than that, there are no religious overtones at all." Exactly how secular do you think an angel can be?

-In the beginning of Darksiders, the current lineup of The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse is Death, Fury, Strife, and Abaddon. From this information, would it be correct to assume you think Lynyrd Skynyrd has only gotten stronger over the years?

-Are you worried that you have weakened the value of your intelectual property by basing it off of a character that lies wholly within the public domain? Especially given how little of the original story you decided to use?

-The game begins with Abaddon kicking War's ass, and stealing his powers. Why can't we play as that guy instead?

-When you were asked why you removed two of the Four Horsemen, you answered, "We just imagined a character select screen where players had to choose a character named Famine or Pestilence and it just seemed kind of lame." However, I have personally selected a character named Strife in SoulCalabur 3, and regretted it. Can you explain this?

-You have said, "You won't be picking up anything small like pistols or shotguns. Think rocket launchers or larger." Why would I want to think about rocket launchers?

-Later in the game, the player gets to use Death's Scythe. Why doesn't Death have a rocket launcher?

-You mention that "The Four Horsemen idea really got everyone excited." What is it about a non-religious adaptation of The Book Of Revelations that jettisons everything but angels, demons, and two of the Four Horsemen that excited you most?

-Speaking of which, the Book Of Revelations features the giant head of Satan, and a multiheaded beast that is also the ruler of a world-spanning empire. Wouldn't those make for better boss fights than a giant bat that is weak against to loud noises?

-Finally, why did you name your game Darksiders, and not Darkriders?

E3: Still Not Dead

It has been nearly been a month since the zombified remains of the Electronic Entertainment Expo held sway over all forms of games-related journalism, giving me plenty of time to reflect what I've learned from it: Nothing. Games that had been previously announced... well, they're still coming out. Games that made money hand over fist are going to get sequels. You can still switch "Too Human" and "Duke Nukem Forever" in any games-related humor article, and nobody will notice. Oh, and the good people at Sony and Microsoft still haven't figured out the delicate art of Public Relations. Just like last year.

But that's okay, because I now receive two different game magazine subscriptions, filling me with articles about this month's World War II shooter, as well as previews about games that will be delayed at least three more times before they come out. Truly, I am better informed about these things than I ought to be.

I don't know how I got a free subscription to Games For Windows, but I'm enjoying it. Each month, they talk about games that I'll never be able to play with my current computer. It takes me back to when I was a kid, buying Gamepro magazine even after they stopped talking about any of the systems I owned. But a few years from now, when I buy a new used computer, I'll be able to look back and know which three year old games I should be buying for it.

And then there's Game Informer. It's the magazine you get for free when a Gamestop employee breaks several store policies to bribe you into getting a Gamestop Edge Membership. Its content is a mix of old news and new infomercials. For example, this month contains an article about Darksiders, a game that honestly believes being able to use an enemy's weapon against him is a new and unique feature. It also introduces two new members of the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse, because they couldn't think of any possible way they could make Famine or Pestilence interesting. They were replaced by Fury and Strife, who probably power up by chugging cans of Surge Cola. The article goes on in a fawning manner for about four more pages after that, but I can't remember a word of it. This pretty much sums up the whole magazine.

The question is, what do I do with this knowledge? Until I can afford a next-gen system, I can't use the information to buy decent games . And as Narraptor once told me, it's not like anyone is paying me for knowing so much. In the end, I blame the podcasters of the world. Half of our Tolerable Podcasts have been whittled away, so now it's either Games, Lost, or nothing at all.