E3: Still Not Dead

It has been nearly been a month since the zombified remains of the Electronic Entertainment Expo held sway over all forms of games-related journalism, giving me plenty of time to reflect what I've learned from it: Nothing. Games that had been previously announced... well, they're still coming out. Games that made money hand over fist are going to get sequels. You can still switch "Too Human" and "Duke Nukem Forever" in any games-related humor article, and nobody will notice. Oh, and the good people at Sony and Microsoft still haven't figured out the delicate art of Public Relations. Just like last year.

But that's okay, because I now receive two different game magazine subscriptions, filling me with articles about this month's World War II shooter, as well as previews about games that will be delayed at least three more times before they come out. Truly, I am better informed about these things than I ought to be.

I don't know how I got a free subscription to Games For Windows, but I'm enjoying it. Each month, they talk about games that I'll never be able to play with my current computer. It takes me back to when I was a kid, buying Gamepro magazine even after they stopped talking about any of the systems I owned. But a few years from now, when I buy a new used computer, I'll be able to look back and know which three year old games I should be buying for it.

And then there's Game Informer. It's the magazine you get for free when a Gamestop employee breaks several store policies to bribe you into getting a Gamestop Edge Membership. Its content is a mix of old news and new infomercials. For example, this month contains an article about Darksiders, a game that honestly believes being able to use an enemy's weapon against him is a new and unique feature. It also introduces two new members of the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse, because they couldn't think of any possible way they could make Famine or Pestilence interesting. They were replaced by Fury and Strife, who probably power up by chugging cans of Surge Cola. The article goes on in a fawning manner for about four more pages after that, but I can't remember a word of it. This pretty much sums up the whole magazine.

The question is, what do I do with this knowledge? Until I can afford a next-gen system, I can't use the information to buy decent games . And as Narraptor once told me, it's not like anyone is paying me for knowing so much. In the end, I blame the podcasters of the world. Half of our Tolerable Podcasts have been whittled away, so now it's either Games, Lost, or nothing at all.

Midseason Replacements

My Lost propaganda machine is on hiatus. Taking its place for the next 24 hours or so are topics everyone can agree don't deserve a full season. If the Internet fanbase to lost causes is vocal enough, the unaired conclusions to these thoughts will find their way onto the web in the near future.

Replacement #1: Joe Rogan Update

My opinion of Joe Rogan has come full circle. First he was Joe on Newsradio. My thoughts on that phase of his career should be obvious. Then he entered his critic-bashing stage, which I have commented on in the past. Early last year he ventured into new territory, getting into a fierce MySpace battle over whether he was funny or not. I wasn't sure what to think of that, other than that he won. But where would he go from there?

The new Videocracy feature at The Onion A.V. Club provided the answer. Joe would call out Carlos Mencia as a hack in a mini-documentary and distribute it for free on the Internet. (I have linked the iFilm site, as yesterday YouTube removed the video on Carlos Mencia's--excuse me--Ned's claim that him calling Joe a little bitch violated his copyright privileges.) I don't know if this claim is true or not. What I do know is that Joe risked employment opportunities to slam a comedian who trades in the lowest common denominators of racism and catchphrases.

Joe also writes a very dramatic blog. Give the man some duct tape.

Replacement #2: Intolerable Podcasts

I take great care when picking the links to extra content that grace this site's sidebar. It really is there for you when you want to read about/listen to the same topics we write about when we're too lazy to do it ourselves. Someday soon I will divulge what makes each individual link tolerable. In the meantime, allow me to discuss what makes a podcast intolerable--bad jokes, laughter that blows your ears out, uninformed commentators, condescension, and above all, lists. My hat of lists no know limit.

I had previously judged the Geeks On podcast as tolerable on the strength of its sci-fi/fantasy interviews and occasional recommendations (via list) that I had not heard of. I'll admit, I was also a sucker for the fact that the hosts not only seemed to enjoy living in Los Angeles, but found enough people willing to work gaming into their schedules that they could actually play board games and RPGs on a regular basis instead of staring longingly at their shelves while fondling their dice bags.

My enthusiasm waned as the self-proclaimed "weekly" podcast produced four episodes in the last two months. Three of those were dedicated entirely to lists: a Christmas geek list (which included such unknown gems as A Song of Ice and Fire and Watchmen), a list of geek movies coming out in 2007 (where they still didn't know that 1408 is based on one of the best Stephen King short stories evar, and that's why it will suck), and the Valentine's Day episode, which started out with a list that drove me into Tourette's fits during my commute, and continued with not only more lists and the most condescending dating advice evar, but used the word "geek" so gratuitously I actually started to get offended. And that was before one of the hosts' significant others confessed that she didn't get the difference between tabletop role-playing and LARPing. (It was eventually explained that the latter involved werewolves and cosplay.)

For the curious, the catalyst that lead this podcast into the realm of intolerability was a list of "15 Geek Films to See Before You Die." It contained such unheard and definitively non-mainstream films as The Fifth Element, Army of Darkness, Office Space, War Games, and The Matrix. Can any astute readers fill me in on what these movies are about? The Matrix...wasn't the guy from Point Break in that?

Geeks On, I always doubted that your geek was actually on. Now I know. You're off the list and you're off my iTunes. And when Mr. Bile goes back to double-check the tags on our first 100 posts, I'm having him delete every use of the word "geek" as well. You revelled in the label to a point where it became embarrassing again.

I'm not a geek. I'm goddamn interesting.

Replacement #3: Mr. Bile

I don't know what the fuck happened to him. Forget searching for more contributors. If he doesn't post something that only Mr. Bile could say by the end of the day, I'm holding auditions for a new Mr. Bile.