He-Whose-Love-Shall-Not-Be-Named

Three months after the final volume in the Harry Potter saga was published, J.K. Rowling continues to write its epilogue. If only she had spent that much more time on the book that went to print.

Potter fansites have already been collating postcards from the surviving characters. But after a Q&A last week, the Associated Press finally got into the act. Dumbledore was gay the whole time! (Fun fact: If you enter "dumbledore" into Google, you get "see results for dumbledore dead".) You can read an incomplete transcript of the writer's commentary track here.

Well, that's just fucking fantastic to know. Too bad it isn't stated in any of the books. And that he's dead. And even when he came back as a ghost, he never bothered to mention his love for Grindlewald to Harry, who's always been kind of a prat, and could really use a slap upside the head with a dick.

This isn't a amusing prank on gay-bashing conservatives, and it's not a bone thrown to the TBGL community. It's a cheap stunt and a cop-out by a lazy writer. Either that, or Rowling thinks gay people should only be accepted after they're dead. Rest in peace, Sirius, Lupin, and Tonks. I look forward to hearing about you in future ancillary press conferences.

Read: Two Books About Supervillains

If I could have chosen one week out of the year so far to fall victim to illness, I couldn't have picked a worse week than this one. Other than that time I was on the run from a serial killer. But it did give me some time to finish unrenewable library books.

If your weekly Internet browsing includes sites that feature book reviews, you've probably heard about Soon I Will Be Invincible. The author is Austin Grossman, and it's no wonder the book has attracted media attention. He's worked on some high-profile story-oriented video games, and 20 odd years after Watchmen, "literary" takes on superheroes are in. It's hip to try as hard as you can to like them. Of course, a movie is in planning stages.

People give Tim Burton a lot of shit for "not getting" Batman. But I have a feeling 20 years from now comic fans and movie critics are going to agree. With Batman Returns in particular (and a lot of help from Danny Elfman), he did something no one's really done during our current comic-book movie boom. He took someone else's characters, with years of canon, and ran with the concept. That's what great comic books are about, as Alan Moore and Frank Miller proved so long ago. "I have six months to tell my Batman story, and it's the dream of every 12-year-old boy. Fuck it, I want penguins with rocket launchers. And Prince."

Given the chance to create his own alternate DC universe, Austin Grossman does nothing unusual. Soon I Will Be Invincible is at best two novellas (one from the point of a super villain, another from a reluctant hero) slapped together. Which might be acceptable if it wasn't pretending to be a novel. But despite his statements to the contrary, it reads like a video game. Reading the book is like pressing the right mouse button to click through cut-scenes. If you're reading this blog, you've been there before.

Catherine Jinks' approach to supervillains is lower-profile, but more intriguing. If you've ever wondered what Harry Potter would be like from the point of Slytherin, this is the book for you. The narrative drags in the middle and the ending is a bit pat, but the author isn't afraid to address some of the more unpleasant aspects of teenage life. Evil Genius has a real feel-bad emotional aspect that JK Rowling's series lacks. It's over the top, but more believable. The only real flaw in the current hardcover addition is that stupid cardboard last page. You have been warned.

What I Haven't Been Blogging About

It can be tough being Midboss. The daily grind of random guilds attempting to level-grind their way through me has taken its toll this summer. I am running out of magical drops. I currently find myself hurtling towards a climactic raid encounter with tanks and DPS'ers of significantly higher levels than me and my mobs. Posts will be light until PAX.

Here's what I would be blogging about, if I had the mana to post:

Beefy: I know I've brought the name up before, but he has a new song on his MySpace. It's very sweet. If you are a gamer, either lapsed or hardcore, you owe it to yourself to check out "Play With Me" just for the chorus. Bethzilla is teh hawt, as the nerds used to say. (Someone update me on what the nerds say now. Thanks.)

Casino Royale: Ow! My balls! Pretty to look at, but too long. Certain Cold War conceits don't adapt well to more modern political conflicts. An acceptable and grounded franchise reboot/origin story. I hope Hollywood makes further use of Mads Mikkelsen, believable bad guy and "sexiest guy" from Denmark.

The Dark River by John Twelve Hawks: Great listen thanks to the vocal talent of Scott Brick. As in book one, The Traveler, characters may have seemed a bit bland without his inflections. But considering this is the second cliff-hanger in a row, and the final book won't be out for another two years, I don't see the point in recommending it until 2009. It's not a Sopranos ending, but an epilogue would have gone a long way towards making this a more satisfying read/listen.

Gametap: Is the reason I now have an Xbox 360 controller. Now if only Tomb Raider Anniversary (which is awesome) recognized that I had it plugged in and gave me gamepad tips as opposed to keyboard instructions. Things crash, I have to run Overlord in a disappointing resolution, and with I through IV available, I'm not sure I can tell what the best version of Heroes of Might and Magic is. But it's made me feel like a gamer again right when I needed it.

Guitar Hero '80s: I borrowed this from a friend out of sense of obligation to Oingo Boingo. The critical consensus is right on the mark. The '80s didn't rock as much as I thought they did. Medium's a drag. Hard is a bit more tolerable than GH2, but sucks when you get to songs you've never heard before. I'll admit that I'm curious enough to get to other actual fun songs to beat Balls To Teh Wall, but in the age of iTunes, I don't understand why I can't just pick the songs I want to play and rock out.

Harry Potter and the Whatsits by JK Rowling: I will save my final thoughts until Mr. Bile finishes the book. No point speaking into a vacuum on my own blog. When he is done, we will go at it Instant Messenger style. Only one can blog while the other still reads. Ginny is a whorecrux.

Ooky Spooky by Voltaire: It's finally out. I'm sure it's a great album if you haven't seen him perform live since Boo Hoo was released. If you have, the only real improvement with accompaniment is "Dead." "Hell In A Handbasket" is better live, and as Mr. Bile mentioned some time ago, the one song everyone wanted is not included on the latest album. TF?

Porn: The more time passes, the longer my thesis becomes. I will get to this soon, I promise.

Roky Erickson: Apparently, he's more than just a guy who wrote a song I bought on iTunes over a year ago. He is a real person who founded psychedelic rock and was horribly scarred by the time he spent in mental institutions. I suggest you check out his library. I'm partial to "I Have Always Been Here Before" myself. If I had heard it before, I would have requested it at my wedding.

Don't Read This: Halfway Through Harry

I've been taking my time with Harry Potter: The Last. I've gotten so used to listening to the series during long car trips that I almost can't do it any other way. Almost.

Anyway, I'm at the halfway point, and here are some disjointed thoughts on it:

1. The Escape From Harry's House scene sets an good tone for the book. By the end of it, I fully believed that any character could die at any time. This is enhanced by the fact that none of the Deatheaters from book five or earlier do much now but whimper in the shadows. The chase featured a new crew of large bearded men as Voldemort's go-to goons... minions who I don't remember being utterly useless in previous stories.
2. Fleur gets to become an extended member of Harry's crew, but Victor Crumb gets shoved aside the moment he reappeared. My dreams of a Crumb/Luna teamup were so close to being fulfilled...
3. What's an epic fantasy without interminable chapters of characters being crushed under the weight of their own burdens? Disc after disc of Harry, Ron, and Hermione on the run, passing a single likeable personality between them, and making worse and worse decisions. I know it was included deliberately, but that doesn't mean I am not so very glad that part seems to be over.
4. It was worth it all for the Nagini scene.
5. I question both why people would tell Harry that his wand can't do Magic Things, and why anyone would think wearing Voldemort's soul next to their bare flesh would be anything but a terrible idea.
6. Even though every previous book has been about some new event/object never before mentioned, the Deathly Hallows really seem to come out of left field. I think it's because the book had been dealing exclusively with the repercussions of book six until now then.

Still, I'm enjoying the book. Though for a series that's drawn its best moments from character interaction, I question Rowling's decision to lock the main three characters away from everyone else for long stretches of time. I also wonder if the last sentence will be, "And then, Harry sat down to finally read Hogworts: A History."

Don't Read This Either! More Potter Ramblings

I am more than halfway through the final book of the Harry Potter saga. I can't deny that listening to it on CD, every day I wish my commute was a little bit longer. But inside my forehead there's a bored whisper. It sounds like Simon Pegg, and it says, "Skip to the end..."

I've always had issues with Rowling's sentences, plotting, and plot-creep cheats. "[blank] swelled up in Harry's chest like a balloon." All those important conversations interrupted by "then they heard voices," and not resumed for weeks. The "You didn't know about these before because [they didn't exist until this book]" excuse. Plus there's that ever-present "It must be Snape!" thing, when it's so obviously not. Rowling has no poker face, as Deathly Hallows often demonstrates.

But I was sucked in anyway, because of the characters and the characterizations of Jim Dale, who reads the audiobooks. Without them, the series would be a chore.

Case in point, The Deathy Hallows. The setup at the end of The Half-Blood Prince was intriguing. Harry planned to skip his last semester at Hogwarts to hunt down Voldemort. I didn't think Rowling would actually go through with it. But she did, and it's shocking how badly the plot stumbles without the school framework. How's a woman supposed to know when to advance the plot if there's no summer vacation, Halloween, Valentine's Day, or trips to Hogsmead?

Worse, taking the heroes out of Hogwarts means no character interaction. So far, Harry, Ron, and Hermione have spent most of their time sitting around, sophomorically speculating in circles, waiting for things to happen to them. When it does, one or two characters from Rowling's sprawling cast might make a cameo appearance. "Look, there in that paragraph! It's Luna Lovegood! And her father's in this book, too! Wow, that was fast. Oh, right, Draco! Forgot about him. I wonder if anything's going on with Neville. Kind of odd we haven't seen him yet, don't you think?"

I might as well be watching one of the movies, hoping for a brief scene where Alan Rickman is given a chance to speak.

Don't Read This! Random Late Night Ramblings On Harry Potter

Give me a break:

• Voldemort's newfound efficiency makes no sense. The narrative continues to prove that Deatheaters in a mob are even less competent than before they had ever appeared. The idea that You Know Who could suddenly take over the government and the media in a society powered by magic is preposterous. There is no precedent in the previous books for the good guys to be this incompetent, or for the bad guys to actually succeed at anything.

• Harry Potter is a coming of age series that refuses to come of age. After skipping over a description of Harry's first kiss in the Order of the Phoenix, now we've got Ron and Hermione tentatively patting each other on the arm or holding hands when they should be sneaking off and, at the very least, snogging. Excluding all the horrible possibilities that teenage boys with magic wands conjures to the mind, this book still reads as if written by a mom who refuses to acknowledge that young men have biological, reproductive imperatives that would if nothing else encourage them to spend less time sharing a bedroom. For a series that is always questioning the morals of adults, it's annoying that characters who have suffered torture, death, and societal ridicule still act like awkward 13-year-olds when it comes to relationships. I get that they're all essentially home-schooled, but both Harry and Hermione grew up with cable TV. People are dying, the tide has turned, why is everyone still such a prat?
  

• I'm only six discs in, which means there's still ten chapters before the plot starts, but it's maddening how previously well-realized students now appear as stereotypical cut-outs. Sure, it's meant to be that Ron and Hermione get together, but wasn't Crumb the first guy to realize that smart was hot? Shouldn't we feel bad about that? As for Ginny, the argument that she's the Mary Sue of Harry Potter is looking less and less like fangirl outrage. Once a shy girl of no consequence who liked an older boy, then the hard-ass non-Asian true love of the Chosen One, now she's gone all sacrificial Mary Jane on him. It's "Now Cho Chang's a bitch" all over again. Um, consistency, please?
  

This wouldn't be the first time that I've hated a Harry Potter book off the bat. I never expected to like the series in the first place. But I'm starting to get worried. There's going to be some unexpected payoff in the end, right?

The Potterpocalypse Approaches

In just a few hours, people are legally allowed to throw off their shrink wrap, and enjoy the breezy scent of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hollows.

Far as I know, comic author Warren Ellis' only comment about this is "Fuck Harry Potter." Mind you, he's actually allowed to say this. His publishers decided to put out his first novel, Crooked Little Vein, on the same day. Either they thought:

1- Readers of Harry Potter and people who read comic books do not overlap.
2- Readers who buy Harry Potter will have an extra twenty bucks on them, and will have a burning desire to use it.

These publishers are the same ones who decided to bill the book as being perfect for "hardcore comic fans, mystery aficionados, and all readers looking for a riotous summer reading adventure."

This might be true. But when you're publishing a book for a mass market, I'm not sure I would start off part of my sales pitch by saying it's great if you're a hardcore member of a very small audience of readers. Oh, mystery lovers should like it too... as well as people who like books.

Beware Spoilers

So, Harry Potter The Last is coming out, and the question remains: How are you going to hide from the world? If the Sopranos ending taught us anything, it's that there is nobody you can trust. NPR will compare the book's outcome to the current political climate. Somethingawful will make joking, pretend fake spoilers a week before the book comes out, and then make fun of people who complain by revealing the real spoilers. Someone in your favorite forum will forget to use the [spoiler] tag.

And of course, there are your co-workers. Your fellow readers might understand, but the people who only watch the movies are a danger.

Of course, all of this might not be enough. I honestly don't think Harry is going to end the book with his heart being torn out by Voldemort... but if it does, complete strangers are going to run up to you, screaming "Harry's Dead! Harry's Dead!"

You might just not want to go outside for a few days.

Midnight Is Movie Time

I haven't seen Spider-Man 3 yet. Please let me know if there are any moments in the film that the previews didn't spoil. So far, the reviews have led me believe that the only unexpected event is when Peter Parker starts an emo band called "The Venoms." Also, let me know if there's anyone left on Earth who hasn't watched the film yet. It's only been twenty four hours since it came out, but I'm already feeling left behind.

There are still plenty of films left this summer for me to enjoy a day-one midnight showing. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do it for Pirates 3, though. I'd likely spend the entire night scanning the crowd, looking for an excuse to yell at the first guy talking trash about the second one.

I can probably wait until Harry Potter 5. For once, I can meet my fellow moviegoers with open arms and tell them, "You know what? I'm perfectly fine with the fact that you never read the Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix. Hell, I wish I hadn't."

Newsflash

Thank you, JK Rowling, for the excellent pre-Xmas gift. The title of the final Harry Potter novel is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Mrs. Rowling, you are so metal.