Which Battlestar Galactica Glasses Are YOU?

Glasses were created by Man
They evolved
They became progressive and photochromic
There are many brands

After 5 years, I decided it was time to get a new pair of glasses. It's not that I didn't have the insurance all the while, or that I'm reluctant to schedule regular doctor's visits. With the exception of a brief period after getting my two front teeth replaced with platinum rims, I've never even postponed a dental checkup. But optometrists make me nervous. Chalk it up to the pressure...

OPTOMETRIST: Which is better 1 or 2?

NARRAPTOR: 2.

OPT: 2 or 3?

NAR: 3.

OPT: 3 or 4?

NAR: Sorry. Again?

OPT: 3 or 4?

NAR: One more time.

OPT: [sigh]

NAR: Um, 3 is fine. I think.

OPT: 3 or 4?

NAR: 4.

OPT: Okay, now 1 or 2.

NAR: I'm not sure.

OPT: Not sure? Either one is better than the other or there's no change. And stop crying!

NAR: But the light hurts my eyes.

OPT: Look to the left of my ear. LOOK TO THE LEFT OF MY EAR!

...and a bad childhood experience that required me to pass a certain test before they'd consider the option of contact lenses.

Then there's the additional stress of trying on new frames. Not only can't you see how they look from six inches away, but by the time you're handed a "Finding the Right Eyewear" pamphlet, your eyes are dilated and you can't read. You roam the racks, hoping the next frames you pick up aren't on the wrong side of the unisex spectrum. Or that they're not completely wrong for you but no one will say so. You don't want to be the guy you saw leaving the store minutes earlier trying to convince himself that he made the right blind guess.

GUY: I can't see and need an honest opinion. How do these look?

SALES REP 1: It's good. You look like that comedian. Fellow sales associate, what do you think?

SALES REP 2: It's a look.

GUY: It is a look.

SALES REP 1: Like Drew Carrey.

GUY: What do you think, female acquaintance? Will this hinder my game?

FEMALE ACQUAINTANCE: Um...

GUY: It's a look.

FEMALE ACQUAINTANCE: It sure is.

Teh Interweb to the rescue. Not only can you take a Frame Personality Test before you arrive for your exam, but Google and Wikipedia offer what hairdressers have provided customers for years: the opportunity to style yourself after people you see in movies and on TV. There's no People (Who Wear Glasses) magazine for your optometrist to leave in the lobby. But there is Google Images! Forget oval versus square-face scenarios. Are you an HRG or a Hiro?

My FPT results were somewhat accurate, although the test questions did not appear to be for me. I don't know enough about shoes to say that I have a style; if I was a car, I'd either be a Japanese compact with good mileage or something that got points for running over pedestrians and causing awesome damage combos; and if I'm at a social event, I'm either A) thinking about when I can leave or B) the only person in my group that's happy to be there. The only answer I felt confident about was whether I was male or female.

I did the best I could with the multiple choices I was given. But it would have been easier just to point to a picture of Baltar.

Zerg Rant

Forgive me. I know it's hypocritical given my vehement, entirely non-apologist proselytizing of Lost, but allow me to rain on someone else's period. No, I'm not going to rant about Heroes. This goes out to South Korea.

And I meant "parade".

If you keep up with this type of thing, by now you've seen the trailer for Starcraft II. If not, you can check it out...oh, here. Or keep reading and I'll spoil it for you. It proves beyond a doubt that power armor is stupid. You're wearing a metal suit that has to be screwed together by robots, which means you can't take it off, yet your face is protected by a mere retractable shield. What happens if just one of your mechanical legs goes bad? Or if your faceplate gets splattered with luminescent blood? Do you drop to your knees and wait for a drone to come patch you up? I'm guessing this is why people who read Starship Troopers had such a problem with the movie. The trailer doesn't even hold up to suspended disbelief--video game suspended disbelief.

And yet you can clearly hear people cheering in the background throughout.

Here are two ways to interpret this reaction:

1. Imagine a world where every new version of Carcassonne/Puerto Rico/Ticket to Ride or any other well-balanced German strategy game was announced as the Second Coming via full-motion video or...

2. Imagine a world where people took non-player characters ripped off from Warhammer Fantasy/Whatever K seriously and wanted to know what happened to them.

Both options are pretty embarrassing.

I haven't played Starcraft since the single player campaign refused to acknowledge my accomplishments ("I must sacrifice myself to destroy the hive." "Dude, I already killed it!"), but I'll give the multiplayer the benefit of the doubt. Given its longevity in the international market, it may well be the closest that any RTS has gotten to board game perfection. Fine. But you know what? When I discovered their was a deluxe version of Kill Dr. Lucky, I only went "Woo!" in the privacy of my own home. It was not a spiritual experience.

As for possibility number two, you've got to be kidding. "Yay! We get to find out who lives and who dies no matter what we do!" In WOW parlance, this is "lore". In real role-playing games, we call that rail-roading.

I'm disappointed. Starcraft II, World of Starcraft, Diablo III...I was crossing my fingers for something new. Bookworm Adventures and Puzzle Quest deserve more hype than this announcement.

Viewed: Grindhouse and Hot Fuzz

The amazing thing about Grindhouse is that the trailer fully conveys to the viewer exactly what they will think of the finished product. This becomes an issue when the movie is a loving homage to the kind of cult classic films that only a select group of people have seen, let alone loved. This translated into the low box-office numbers that are puzzling various media groups. That and potential audiences hearing the phrase, "In one scene, Quentin Tarintino tries to rape a girl before his balls completely liquefy."

I liked it well enough, but was still left with the feeling that the film wasn't for me.

As for Hot Fuzz, I am fully confident that you have already seen the movie, and that we agree that it kicked some serious ass. Unless you're Tomfoolery, in which case we'll just have to agree that you should see it, and that you will presuppose that it kicks ass.

No, I'm not giving you a choice about this.