Viewed: Hell House

No relation to the Richard Matheson story, Hell House is a 2001 documentary focusing on a Texas church that offers an alternative to the traditional haunted house. In a hell house, visitors are lead through a series of scenes that depict the many ways they might end up in Hell. Hell houses are notorious for their political scenarios, and though this one had them as well, the event was primarily concerned with suicide and salvation. What makes the film itseslf so impressive is how it eschews any political slant and leaves the audience to develop their own opinions.

Hell House was made a year before Bowling for Columbine and only saw limited release in 2002. Its apolitical approach probably wouldn't have been possible afterwards, when anyone with a passionate opinion and Final Cut Pro could cherry-pick their famous talking heads; film, borrow, or steal amateur footage; and add in a few cartoons to reinforce their point. The glut of contemporary documentaries are diatribes tailored to specific demographics. They attract audiences who want their opinions to be reinforced, not challenged.

Hell House isn't like that. It can be horrifying, touching, or hilarious, but it's open to individual interpretation. With the exception of a few white-screen interviews where the participants are given a chance to discuss their beliefs, one off-camera question, and a single slate of follow-up text at the end, the editorial slant of the film seems to be to avoid having one. The subjects of the film are depicted as real people with merits and flaws.

I really felt for one of the younger organizers. He fought for years to get a rave scene into the hell house. When presented with the script, he sighed and told the actors that they'd have to improvise, because no one would believe it as it was written. A later scene in the writing room reveals why:

Woman: So, it's-- They're magic cards, but the game is called The Gathering?
Man: I think. It just says Magic: The Gathering on the front.
W: I'm just putting it...role-playing games such as Magic.
M: Role-playing games like Magic: The Gathering.
W: Introduced her to...
M: Role-playing games.
W: ...games, such as Magic and The Gathering?

Other participants in the documentary completely creeped me out. One of the organizers recently went through a divorce prompted by the discovery of his wife's "Internet friend." So what did he do? He added a room where a drunken father learns of his wife's infidelity and takes it out on his daughter. His son ends up taking tour groups through the scene. His daughter is spared the trauma of reliving her father's dark fantasy re-enactment, as she's in the next room bleeding to death.

Hell House is bound to provoke strong opinions. But what's most shocking--refreshing, cold shower shocking--is how it allows the audience to think for themselves.

Skeletor Runs Bartertown

If the last haunted house I went to is to be believed, the Post-Apocalyptic World Of The Future is now considered haunted. Similarly, the one I visited earlier in the week featured a foam rubber monster that had escaped from Doom. Questionable themes aside, both had effective moments and fun ideas, especially in a group where each of us was alarmed by different triggers. I was the one that twitched and giggled whenever people leapt out at us. Also, I discovered that haunted houses are more impressive when one is suffering from an acute lack of sleep. Not that I can remember what impressed me so much, but that's the price one pays for sensory overload.

I didn't go to the haunted house that's right next door to me, though. Which is a shame, since I'm told that it had much less of the actors-jumping-at-you scares, but did feature wandering alone through very dark hallways for five minutes at a time.

Next week I'll be discussing games I no longer play, and at least one of them will be filled with praise. Considering how many bad games I've played, this also means "exactly one post will be filled with praise." I won't even be discussing video games, because it's already expected that once you beat a game, you turn it into Gamestop for a complementary fifty cents credit voucher.

Are you in, Narraptor? Surely there's a centuries-long game of Jenga or two you'd like to talk about...

The Night You'd Never Forget, Part 3

The Night You'd Never Forget
by Narraptor, October 1985

...The guide said, "Go through this tunnel to the exit," and he disappeared.

"Come on, let's beat it," said Kevin. Then the music of "Beat It" came on.

"I knew it. I just knew it," said Geeko as they made a right turn.

They saw a werewolf and turned and saw a ghost and turned and saw a vampire and turned and saw a mummy. The kids stood there waiting to be killed, but the whole vision went black.

Kevin noticed that he had been dreaming.

He looked out the window and said, "Hey, Geeko, let's take a hike. It's nice and windy out."

The Night You'd Never Forget, Part 2

The Night You'd Never Forget
by Narraptor, October 1985

...At that moment, the music stopped.

"My what?" said the ghost, as it turned into a hideous monster.

Suddenly, Kevin and Geeko saw the tour guide motioning the way out.

They got out. They went into a bathroom with a cabinet and shower. Suddenly the music of "Thriller" came on and a werewolf jumped out of the cabinet.

The guide pulled out a gun and shot the werewolf. The music stopped and the guide said, "You know, you really shouldn't have come in here."

The kids looked at him and saw that he had fangs.

He said, "Ha! False teeth," and took them out.

The shower opened. It was Norman.

"Yes, it's me," he said.

They went into the next room. There was a person there who showed them a coffin and said it was her old assistant's coffin. They sat down at a table and she began to talk.

"You will be trapped somewhere forever."

"We know," said Geeko. "Tell us some stuff we don't know."

"Someone is going to strike us."

With that, the coffin opened. A skeleton with an axe jumped out and split the person's head in two.

The kids ran out. The guide said, "Go through this tunnel to the exit," and he disappeared...

The Night You'd Never Forget, Part 1

The Night You'd Never Forget
by Narraptor, October 1986

Once, on a very windy night, two children got lost on a hike and needed to find a place to stay. The moon was full and bright. They looked for a house on a very big hill, but there was nothing there.

As soon as they turned their backs to leave, they heard a clash of thunder behind them. They looked back and saw a spooky old house and a witch.

"Are you leaving so soon?" the witch said.

"No, we, uh, wouldn't," said the oldest.

The witch told them to go in and they did. The door locked behind them.

"Help!" they cried.

They decided to walk around instead of screaming. They came to a room with a closet and cobwebs.

A man suddenly jumped out of the closet and said, "Hello! I'm your tour guide. I'll lead you through here."

They followed him into a room with spooky music.

"This is the ghost ballroom."

"I can see that," said the youngest.

"By the way, who are you two kids?"

"I'm Kevin and this is my brother Geeko."

"Hey, Kevin," said Geeko, "Look at this food."

"Don't eat it," said Kevin.

"Why not? It's my best cooking," said a ghost.

"It looks like your worst. Look at all these fingers."

At that moment, the music stopped...