Viewed: Resident Evil Extinction

I was part of the reason Resident Evil 3 was the number one movie at the box office last weekend. I feel neither shame nor joy over this fact, only a curious dullness. My review would be, "Better than the second one, worse than the first."

Since that description leaves a lot to be desired, I have to fall back on science to determine if my money was well-spent.

Positive Test Results:

• Is a crazy guy with a gun the real enemy? No, they're just in the way.
• Does the movie devolve into Lord Of The Flies halfway through? No.
• Can I tell what's going on in the action scenes? Mostly, except for anything involving zombie dogs.

Negative Test Results:

• Are the zombies consistent? No. Super-Zombies can die when lightly chopped in the neck with a machete.
• Do the zombies need someone to open a door to let them in? Yes. A single chain link fence is enough to stop an unstoppable zombie menace.
• Are people properly suspicious of anyone exhibiting flu-like symptoms? Nope.
• For that matter, does the plot rely on someone getting bitten by a zombie and hiding this from everyone else? Yes.

Inconclusive Results:

• Is there bad Zombie Science? Yes, but the viewer is not subjected to enough of it to hurt.

So, there you have it: Resident Evil 3 has somewhat more bad in it than good. Let's all promise never think about this film again.