I was part of the reason Resident Evil 3 was the number one movie at the box office last weekend. I feel neither shame nor joy over this fact, only a curious dullness. My review would be, "Better than the second one, worse than the first."
Since that description leaves a lot to be desired, I have to fall back on science to determine if my money was well-spent.
Positive Test Results:
- Is a crazy guy with a gun the real enemy? No, they're just in the way.
- Does the movie devolve into Lord Of The Flies halfway through? No.
- Can I tell what's going on in the action scenes? Mostly, except for anything involving zombie dogs.
Negative Test Results:
- Are the zombies consistent? No. Super-Zombies can die when lightly chopped in the neck with a machete.
- Do the zombies need someone to open a door to let them in? Yes. A single chain link fence is enough to stop an unstoppable zombie menace.
- Are people properly suspicious of anyone exhibiting flu-like symptoms? Nope.
- For that matter, does the plot rely on someone getting bitten by a zombie and hiding this from everyone else? Yes.
Inconclusive Results:
- Is there bad Zombie Science? Yes, but the viewer is not subjected to enough of it to hurt.
So, there you have it: Resident Evil 3 has somewhat more bad in it than good. Let's all promise never think about this film again.
For reasons I assure you are entirely devoted to leveling, I spent the last three weeks running around Oblivion in a bra and panties. After a long period of game burn-out, I decided to take Garnett Lee's advice and finish a damn game. I needed to prove to myself that I could do it in order to justify upgrading my PC so I could play Bioshock, Overlord, Tomb Raider: Anniversary, and maybe even Hellgate. Or maybe just get a 360 instead.
I came up with short list of games to complete:
- Elder Scrolls: Oblivion
- Okami
- Fatal Frame II
Not a bad list, I thought. All three are titles I liked when I first started playing them over a year ago. And despite my pet peeves (Oblivion's leveling system, Okami/Fatal Frame's frustratingly dated save game and dialogue mechanics), I figured I could plow through each by the middle of October if I ignored Gametap and Steam for awhile. Which would permit me just enough time to get a HDTV and a Xbox before Mass Market Effect comes out.
Okay, so maybe it's too early to hate on Mass Effect, or even Fallout 3. But with all the bitching among the "hardcore" in the gaming media about "casual" games, I think I'm allowed to be skeptical. The most highly regarded CRPGs in recent years were created with the Xbox in mind. And after Knights of the Old Republic and Oblivion, I can't help but think the "C" in CRPG now stands for "casual." (Though I prefer the term "softcore.")
I was doing pretty well in Oblivion until today. I was on my third character, I had a set of goals I wanted to complete before I finished the main quest, and had downloaded enough mods to make the game less stupid. But then I looked up the wandering monster list, and I deleted Oblivion off my hard drive for the last time.
Ignoring animals and discounting minor variations on the same creatures, that's, what, 20 monsters or so? I'm at level 30, and there's nothing left to look forward except ripping out Xivilai hearts and extracting Deadroth teeth? Fuck Oblivion. There hasn't been a more accurately named fantasy territory since Desolace.
Oblivion got fairly good reviews when it came out, and rightly so. Although the map is huge and you're free to level up your character as you see fit, the game is best if finished in a few weeks. If you find yourself trying to complete every quest, max out your stats, or explore every dungeon, you'll quickly discover there isn't much variety in the world. All caverns are pretty much the same, as are all dungeons, ruins, castles, and that's 15 times true for the planes of Oblivion.
I'm off to try my patience with Okami.
